chip dips

Coming out of the shower, Chip leans into Whimsy--
Chip: I really hate that new razor. Look at what it did to my face!
Whimsy surveys the damage, though she really doesn't see anything except for a little cut on his chin
Whimsy: It doesn't look so bad.
Chip: Really???

Five days later, Chip and Whimsy are watching TV when the commercial for some Ultra Stupendous Hair Removal Pad comes on.
Chip: It's not like you even noticed.
Whimsy: Huh? What are you talking about?
Chip: I even had you LOOK at my face the other day and you didn't notice.
Whimsy turns to stare at Chip's face and notices that there is an actual Mustache Shadow on Chip's upper lip
Whimsy: You mean the Almost Mustache you've got there? I'm sorry, dude. You're just not a Hairy Guy. Would it make you feel better if I called you Magnum?
Chip: After five days, I've still got nothing.


- - - - -


Chip is pretending to tap dance frantically across the living room until he stumbles over Alice's shape sorter toy and makes a loud noise. Whimsy gives him a withering look and reminds him that Alice is ASLEEP!
Chip: Fine, I'm not going to try to be funny anymore.


- - - - -


Chip is watching Lords of the Dance or Dancing Superstars of the Planet or something along those lines. He motions to Whimsy, who is typing on her laptop at the kitchen table.
Chip: You're missing this! It's a very manly dance!


- - - - -


Chip is examining Whimsy's NEW BLACKBERRY STORM (which replaces the Disco Phone!).
Chip: Wow. You have my game on here. Your bricks look much more lifelike than mine.


- - - - -


Chip: Dude, I'm such a woman.
Whimsy: Why would you say that?
Chip: I'm laying in bed, eating chocolate, watching The Bachelor.




* Disclaimer: The Management (aka "Whimsy") would like to remind visitors to The Creamery that Chip is a very good sport, an extremely loving and devoted husband, and also a very strong and manly man. Although these quotes would make him appear to be otherwise, he is intelligent, funny, and extremely good-looking (had to throw that one in). Whimsy is a lucky girl.

super stars of stupid

I can't believe I'm writing this. I shouldn't be telling ANYONE, let alone you guys, but here it is:

Monday night, Chip and I watched Super Stars of Dance. I KNOW. I have some excuses, even though none of them is good enough to cover the fact that we wasted a good forty minutes of our lives watching a show that was put together on a dare (how else to explain it?).

First, the excuses:
- We were really tired and wanted to just veg.
- Our satellite company has taken ABC from us. They are in some kind of contract stalemate with ABC and so they decided to just not broadcast it. Instead, they're attempting to shame ABC into renegotiation by placing a 24/7 "informational talk show" in its place. The "talk show"? Is a couple of dudes in Direct TV polos and khaki pants sitting behind a very official looking desk talking about how hard they tried to get ABC to give them a reasonable deal. I've been missing my nightly Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy for THIS? We are not amused.
- Have I mentioned that we were really tired?

Now, let's discuss Super Stars of Dance, shall we? Like the fact that I have to imagine that it was dreamed up by some monkeys who were bored during lunch. A dance show without any real stars! And it would be with people from all over the world! Including judges from all over the world!

Somehow, in their infinite wisdom, NBC put the show on. I wish I could tell you that it's so awful that it's good. But it's not. It's just awful. (It's also possible that the original idea that the monkeys floated to NBC included sword-juggling clowns, but NBC thought that was a little too much and went with the basic bare-bones dance show instead. A bare-bones dance show FROM AROUND THE WORLD.)

I feel especially sorry for the Russian judge, because I'm not sure the dude even knows WHY they have him wearing a multi-colored dental smock as he watches dancers FROM AROUND THE WORLD. I also don't understand how they expect poor dental-smock-wearing-Russian-guy to properly compare a ceremonial Indian Goddess Dance with the dirty dancing South African couple who are both inexplicably wearing hot pants. (Russian judge: I thought I was going to be juggling swords! And I was supposed to be wearing the hot pants!)

The highlight of the evening? Oh who am I kidding? It had nothing to do with SUPER STARS OF DANCE. The highlight was when we turned the TV off and I got to spend some quality time playing with my new Blackberry Storm. The Disco Phone has danced its last dance, my friends! Viva la Crackberry!

(Now that I've let you in on my latest confession, give me one of yours... doesn't have to be TV related. Tell me your dumbest, kids!)

menfolk

Love comes in many shapes and sizes. In the case of our recent trip to see my family, love is WEIRDNESS. And it's found in these pictures of my so-weird family.



WINSTON:
Winston is all about the stiff-upper-lip, don't complain, be brave, be strong, pull yourself up by your bootstraps (or pants) kind of love. In other words:


This is Grampy Winston's version of helping Alice to grab something inside her car seat. I love this man. (Pardon the crappy picture quality - the Disco Phone has seen it's last days...)



THE LITTLE BROTHER:


He really adores his niece. I don't think he'd let her SUCK ON HIS NOSE if he felt otherwise. I'm keeping this picture to blackmail him and Alice later.


Pictures of THE TEETH coming soon. Alice is very shy about showing the glaciers to the camera. Perhaps she suspects her mother is going to do something very, um, UNBECOMING with the picture.

mental dental

Alice is developing her own set of real life tried-and-true CHOMPERS, in the form of not one, not two, not four, but five - yes FIVE teeth that are making their way into her mouth. (Two on top, three on bottom.) I'm obviously new at this, and especially new to seeing little teethy-bits where once it was Gum City - but dude her top two front teeth appear to be the size of DINNER PLATES. All the babies that are Alice's age have gotten their bottom teeth first - all cute and tiny and, well, TINY. I have no frame of reference for the top teeth, but every time I get a peek at the tectonic plates that are her pearly whites, I turn into that sailor dude from Titannic: ICEBERG DEAD AHEAD! Or more accurately GINORMOUS TEETH - DEAD AHEAD! I know it's mean to be saying this about my own child. I know! But I keep getting these frightening images of massive teeth making their way across the darkened house to consume me WHOLE. THE TEETH THAT ATE NEW YORK CITY. I can't even think of The Teeth in a normal, uncapitalized, way - they are The Teeth to me. Or, more accurately, THE TEETH.

My sister-in-law M tried to tell me that it's totally normal, that the top two teeth are on the bigger side, and that they'll look absolutely fine once they come in. I can't say that I was a very good listener as she was giving such kind advice because the whole time I was all, SAVE YOURSELVES! THE TEETH ARE COMING TO GET YOU! THE TEETH WANT YOUR BRAIN!!!

Here's where I could get mushy and sentimental and tell you how strange it is to watch this little baby turn into a tried and true person PERSON, with actual teeth. (Or, THE TEETH - ha!) But, um, as you can see, I'm having a hard time with that. THE TEETH will be waking up and insisting that I feed them some breakfast soon. And I'd hate to disappoint them in any way. They scare me.

re-review 2008

We're home. We're catching up. We're exhausted. We're doing our best to dig ourselves out of the luggage. The cats won't leave us alone.


Here's my 2008 list:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Became a mother, stopped working full time in the whole workday world.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Um, I don't even remember mine from 2008, but I'm certainly making some for 09.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. So very many. The Wife, Ana, Kate, a lot more.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?
Um... Montana? Is that a country?

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Patience. A peaceful way of solving frustration.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 3: duh.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Alice.

9. What was your biggest failure?
My temper.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No not really.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
It was a gift, but boy do I love my laptop.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Besides mine?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Besides mine?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Oh the medical bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Alice's smile, Alice's laugh, Alice's rolling over, Alice Alice Alice. (Though can I also add a few very wonderful visits: The Wife, Buddy, Mom & Dad, The Little Brother & Melanie)

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
This Woman's Work - Kate Bush.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
Happier, fatter, poorer (HA HA)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Say thank you.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Complain and worry.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Madly, snowily, crazily in Utah with Chip, Alice, my parents, The Little Brother, M, and their almost-new-baby.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Again and again and again.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Battlestar Gallactica

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, not really.

24. What was the best book you read?
Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Um.

26. What did you want and get?
A healthy baby and the ability to stay home with her.

27. What did you want and not get?
World peace, again.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Dude, I had a baby. I didn't WATCH movies..

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 34. And it was almost a year ago... which might as well been a lifetime. There was cheesecake, a discussion of baby names that significantly muddied the waters at the time, and an amazingly fantastic BLISSFUL prenatal massage.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't really believe in regrets, and this one always has the ring of a regret. I have to say that 2008 was hard: bone deep painful in so many ways - but I can't regret any of it.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Pregnant and then after pregnant and then attempting-to-recover-from-being-pregnant.

32. What kept you sane?
The very same things from last year: my faith, my Chip, my family, my friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election.

35. Who did you miss?
Chip's dad, The Wife.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Alice Faye is a pretty remarkable person, though if I had to choose an adult type person I'd definitely say Kate.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Expect to be surprised.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Baby mine.