Friday, September 7, 2007

wild kingdom

Please understand, though daily posts would indicate otherwise, my life does not, in fact, revolve around the following: food aversions, food cravings, or critters in our garden. With that said, however, HAVE I GOT A WEIRD ONE FOR YOU.

I came home last night after a really nice evening with Angela. We don’t frequently use our front door, because there is a wonderfully handy-dandy doorway leading from the garage into the house – and seeing as how we’re normally the ones doing the driving, we enter and leave through that door almost exclusively. However, last night Angela was my driver, so I had the rare pleasure of actually using the front doorway. As I walked up the pathway, I realized two things: 1) our front porch light was burnt out and 2) WHAT THE LIVING HECK IS THAT THING ON THE WALL?!?!

It was roundish. It was about 4 inches in circumference. It was black. And it appeared to be a snake. Upon vaguely closer inspection (meaning I had to squeeze past THE BEAST to get into the front door), I confirmed that it wasn’t, in fact, a snake – but rather, TWO OF THE BIGGEST SLUGS I’D EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE – HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES ON THE SIDE OF OUR HOUSE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN – HUBBA HUBBA, I THINK YOU DO.

Being a chicken about any kind of goo-related creature, I pulled open the door, locked it firmly behind me, and then SCREECHED for Chip. HAVE YOU SEEN THE THING THAT’S ON THE OUTSIDE OF OUR HOUSE! IT’S ALIVE – AND IT’S DOING… SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE DONE IN PRIVATE, BEHIND CLOSED-DOORS! So Chip comes down and grabs a glass of water to wash the obscene little buggers from the siding. I’m cowering behind him, figuring that at least if the slimy offenders leap out and grab someone, they’ll grab Chip first. I’M THINKING OF MY UNBORN CHILD, HERE, PEOPLE. I MUST PROTECT THE FUTURE! So we creep outside, to the darkened (and apparently, extremely seductive) porch – and find that the slug mating has now progressed to …. something else entirely. There is some kind of slug spiral formation – jutting about three inches from the house as well as a gooey, whitish liquid dripping off the couple in a single gelatinous mass.

As soon as we see what is happening I run into the house, screeching and wailing like Phoebe on Friends, MY EYES! MY EYES! WHAT THE HECK IS THAT STUFF! WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW! And Chip stumbles in after me, glass still in hand – DUDE! YOU HAVE TO GO GET THE CAMERA! THAT’S SOME WICKED STUFF HAPPENING THERE! GET THE CAMERA! HURRY! FAST!

So yes, I caught it all on film. And I felt pretty disgusted with myself to even think of sharing it with all of you. Should I have respected the slugs in their private moments, creating yet more slugs? Should Chip have NOT washed them away away away (the SEA would not be far enough away away away)? My retinas are burned with that image. So I give you a choice – we’ll put it to a vote (and those few and brave souls who leave comments): do you want to see the slugs? Majority rules at this moment at The Creamery, my friends, and I’d hate to burn that image into your retinas unless you really truly WANTED it. For those who have never posted, now is your chance: either to vote for continued Slug Privacy, or to Lay It All Out There. (Comments at bottom.)

Have a great weekend. Please don’t go thinking that our house is really that creature-infested. I share because I care. And, in Chip’s words: WE SURE DO GROW ‘EM BIG UP HERE IN THE NORTHWEST.


SWENDT85 said...

ok seriously, you are the funniest person on the planet! I am so proud to call you my friend! I am sitting here wishing I had one of those view finders kids find so facinating just so I could take a peek into your life when my seems so dull and boring!! You should right a book! Thanks for inviting me to read your blog. H. The jury is still out on the slugs invading my mind as well!!

stacie d said...


angelalois said...
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The Wife said...

Okay. Ordinarily I would err on the side of grace and privacy, but alas, the morbid curiousity of what slugs look like have The Sex is giving me wrinkles with all the brow-furrowing, so bring it on. Lay it all out there, my whimsical friend. And dude--I totally know better. The northwest is completely INFESTED. Though, y'all ain't got nothin' on the South! Let's see it. You'll be Queen Forever of Show-and-Tell!

phxflyer76 said...

Slug privacy! I can already imagine the nightmares. :)

Heidi said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!