Wednesday, December 16, 2009

directions for the use of "perfect"

I call this PERFECT CAT WAITS IN PERFECT PATIENCE FOR DRINK OF WATER FROM PERFECT BATHTUB.


It started with a call from Kate on Monday. She asked me if I was a member of a certain Facebook group of moms. A resounding NO from me (I shun all FB group activities). To which she replied that she wasn't a member anymore either in response to a recent group posted question HOW PERFECT IS YOUR PERFECT TODDLER? (Okay, maybe they didn't ask that exactly... but they did say PERFECT at least once.) I expected tongue-in-cheek answers. Apparently so did Kate.


Instead, she read responses like
MY CHILD IS SO PERFECT, SHE HAS NEVER COMPLAINED OR THROWN A FIT EVEN ONCE!
and
MY TWO-YEAR-OLD IS SO PERFECT, SHE CLEANS UP EVERY MESS SHE MAKES.
and
MY TODDLER IS SO PERFECT, HE FASHIONS HIS OWN CLOTHES OUT OF LEAVES AND TWIGS AND CAN FORAGE FOR HIS OWN DINNER!

(again, I might have overstated one of those...)

My response to Kate: SNORT. (Yes, I snorted.)

I am now posting a few simple directions of the use of perfect. It seems to me that the world needs a few simple directions for the use of perfect if a bunch of crazy-pants-head-wearing ladies on Facebook are going to wreak havoc like that.


Whimsy's Directions for the Use of "Perfect"


1. Sarcastically. As in, "My daughter created the PERFECT gift for me in her diaper yesterday."
2. Cheekily. As in, "I am striving for the PERFECT Christmas by doing absolutely nothing at all."

and
3. Sparingly.


To celebrate this perfunctory Perfect How To, I present to you my list of PERFECT CHILD BEHAVIOR (using rules 1, 2, and 3).


We spend a significant amount of time in this position at our house. Think I'm mean for catching this on film? It might be a tantrum... but then again, it might be my PERFECT child washing my PERFECT floors. You be the judge.


Maybe a seeming stretch for the Perfect Pictorial - but this was mere seconds before Bean stood on the chair and rammed the back into the wall repeatedly demanding that I read her a book. Bonus points for marks on wall and little bits of powdered drywall in a heap on the floor.


Every morning, without fail, Bean demands PERFECTLY a cup of pretzels. It is usually when I am still stumbling blurry-eyed down the hallway to her bedroom. MAMA! PO! And if I don't react quickly enough it becomes PO!PO!PO!PO!PO!PO!PO!POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Until my ears bleed.


The perfect child exhibiting perfect Christmas behavior. Mother: STOP GRABBING THE PRESENTS.


Bean with Kate's Shelby at a park this summer. Notice Bean's perfect example of MORE GIVE ME MORE. We clearly don't feed this child enough food.


What about you? Any PERFECT behavior (yours, theirs, and otherwise) that you'd like to share with the class?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Excellent response, my friend, to the ridiculous FB comments of the PERFECT PARENTS WITH THEIR PERFECT CHILDREN - HA! In fact one of the "perfect" mothers even commented to another "perfect" mother ...."See? You're obviously doing everyting right!" (confirmation as to why their child is "PERFECT" -- which must imply that the rest of us with IMPERFECT children don't have a clue how to raise our children.) ARGH! I'm still fuming over this - but thanks for making me totally laugh with you posting today! K8

Spadoman said...

This story was perfect!

Shelly Overlook said...

This post perfectly illustrates why I so love you, Whimsy Duh!

Erin P said...

Oh, I'm sorry, but PERFECT! I don't know if it's yet another example of wanton hyperbole or absolute delusion on the part of the FB people. I was really happy when my son was little; I worked 3 12 hr days per week, I kept things under control (generally) but I was fully aware that nothing at all in my life or my parenting was PERFECT. What have we come to?

Amanda said...

Perfect!

Eleanor Q. said...

Fussbot is Perfect at waiting patiently for me to stop what I'm doing and fix him a snack. He will just quietly attach himself to my leg all the while asking politely until I hand him a snack. He's also perfect in that if a toy isn't working out for him and he's getting frustrated, he'll take a breather, try again or just ask for help. Sigh. Us and our perfect kids, what ever are we going to do?
ps: why are we not FB friends?

Pickles and Dimes said...

I think that first photo is: PERFECT cat waits to produce PERFECT ambush.

I love that last photo of the Bean: Hey, I'll take care of the rest of those snacks for you, so you don't have to worry about them.

Anonymous said...

On the topic of bad Christmas songs: Angels We Have Heard on High by Aretha Franklin. Hope you don't ever have to hear it. I thought it was Tina Turner at first.