Tuesday, December 22, 2009

fa la la la laaaaaaaaaa - NOW EDITED WITH MORE LAAAAA

I have a strange Christmas tradition of ruining Christmas songs for Chip. Two years ago it was Winter Wonderland. This year we're focusing on John Lennon's Happy Xmas. We were listening to the song a while back and I mentioned how much I HATE hearing Yoko Ono's caterwauling in the background chorus.
Chip: What? Yoko Ono sings on this song?
Chip: I thought it was KIDS! A group of off-kilter singing KIDS!
Whimsy: It is. But it's also Yoko Ono. And she sounds awful.

I could see the alarm in Chip's face as he listened to Ono's cat-in-heat screeching. I hate to say it, but once you notice it, you can't NOT notice it. Ever. Again. It becomes the Song That Is Really Sweet Until Yoko Ono Joins In.

Which is exactly what happened with Chip.

From Chip, day three: I can't listen to that song anymore without hearing her. Did she do it ON PURPOSE? Wasn't John Lenon a musician who is supposed to KNOW when someone should not be allowed to sing? ON THEIR RECORD?

Yes. And yes.

So I've done it again, ruined a perfectly good song for dearest Chip. And now, if you didn't already know about the Terrible Singing Injustice of Yoko Ono, I've done it for you. You're welcome.

Now while we're on the subject of Christmas music, let's talk about one of my least favorites. I used to really HATE Little Drummer Boy but now don't mind it so much as long as it's a nicer version without lots of RUM TUM TUMMING in the background. I think we should now hold an impromptu celebration of Worst Christmas Songs Ever Created.

In the category of Traditional Worst Christmas Song, I'm giving a hearty nomination to Deck the Halls. Could a song BE more irrelevant? First of all, I don't know ANYONE who decks their halls with holly. It's a BUSH. And it's VERY PRICKLY. Not the kind of thing that you should be draping up and down your hall. Second, I get that this is the season to be jolly and all, but I don't personally have any piece of clothing that could be considered HAPPY (this for the lyric "don ye now your gay apparel"). I'm going to skip over the very ancient use of gay for happy and just say this: I DON'T HAVE HAPPY CLOTHES, AND NEITHER DO YOU. And I'd venture to guess that no one ever had happy clothes. Clothes are clothes and they should be worn as such. Lastly, this dumb song is just that: DUMB. With all the FA LA LA LA LA madness going on, you feel terribly stupid singing it. And if you don't, you should. Because I said so.

In the category of Worst Regional Christmas Song, I'm going with this little Northwest Gem, Christmas in the Northwest. Chip was the unfortunate trapped listener on Saturday when we drove around delivering Christmas plates of cookies to friends. I ran to a door and delivered some sugar, and when I came back Chip informed me that I'd missed hearing it. And then he reminded me that we're awfully lucky that we get a CHRISTMAS WRAPPED IN GREEEEEEEEN. Think about those poor unfortunate souls in Texas or Arkansas. THEY GET A CHRISTMAS WRAPPED IN BROWN. I don't even want to imagine that song. (And as for that poor soul who wrote on the About.com page that this is "regional favorite since 1985", I think they tied you up and forced you to listen to CHRISTMAS IN THE NORTHWEST eleventy billion times until you decided that yes, it really IS a regional favorite mumble mumble mumble drool drool drool.)

And in the category of Top Worst Christmas Song, I'm going with Sippin in Seattle's Latte Land. It's another stellar regional tune and if you haven't heard it, you should be grateful. And then you should listen to it. BECAUSE IT IS SO TRAGIC. I feel a little bad saying all of this, because here's a lady who really loves her song and loves her town. Loves it so much she puts an entire album together celebrating the magic of Christmas in Seattle. Including favorites such as "We Wish You a Merry Fishmas" - and don't miss that old chestnut, "The Twelve Days of Coffee". As for the Latte song... I don't know how I feel about living in a world where someone not only WRITES a serious parody song about drinking coffee for Christmas, but PERFORMS it. And RECORDS it. And it gets PLAYED ON THE RADIO. Repeatedly. Because somehow, someway, every Christmas I hear it at least twelve dozen times.

And now that I've dispelled any notion you might have had about us Northwesterner's having great taste in music, it's your turn. Whatcha got for terrible Christmas tunes?

* * *

Edited to add the following additional terrible Christmas songs because I KEPT THINKING OF MORE SONGS AFTER I POSTED THIS.

In the late-night added category of Kitschy Kristmas songs that make you want to hurt yourself - I am nominating two songs: All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth and that awful chipmunk Christmas song. Blech.

And in the other late-night added category of Horrible Mention, I give you Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer (WHY? TELL ME WHY?) and the Twelve Days of Christmas (clearly the song that NEVER ENDS).


Alicia @ bethsix said...

All I have to say is I've never noticed that about Yoko Ono. And that is (was) one of my favorite Christmas songs. THANKS, WHIMSY.

I don't like "Little Drummer Boy," but I REALLY can't take "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." BAAARF.

M said...


I just laughed so hard I choked on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

First, YOKO ONO!!

Second, Christmas in the Northwest! Do.Not.Miss. But down here we have Alabama's Christmas in Dixie (to which I know all the words and can't stop myself from singing even though I think the whole premise of the song is SAD.) Incidentally, it's the melody of Christmas in the Northwest that drives me bonkers.

Sibley Saga .... said...

Maybe 'our' song here in the southwest is Feliz Navidad. It's a little short on creativity since that's the bulk of the lyrics right there. However, it's so cheesy I find it kind of fun to sing and make fun of at the same time.

I once was dropping off some goodies with friend and we decided to do some impromptu singing of carols on the front step. However the only song we knew all the words to was Feliz Navidad. We threw in some cheesy Motown-style hip shaking and hand waving and we were a hit.

Call me crazy but I still find it fun to make fun of.

Julie said...

The 12 Days of Christmas is the most evil of all Christmas songs, but what I really, truly hate is non-Christmas songs that people try to turn into Christmas songs. My Favorite Things? Really?

Swistle said...

My least favorite is Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. Well, and that HIDEOUS song about Christmas shoes, but I think that one goes without saying.

I don't like in general when a singer slows the song waaaaaaaay down to make it more Meaningful.

angelalois said...

There was an article about the writer of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer in the paper today. He said something about how a lot of slowsy country songs end up with someone dying, but he wanted to kill off Grandma in the first line. So maybe you think that's funny. And he has had no other claim to fame but his friends still introduce him to new people as "the guy who wrote Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." I think it's a fun song. My least favorite? Santa Baby. C'mon kids, Christmas is for children!

~Aimee~ said...

HATE HATE HATE HATE Christmas in the Northwest. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE IT. Only HATE HATE Sippin' in Seattle Latte-land. Last year, Santa Baby didn't bother me. This year, I get homicidal at the sound of the first 3 notes. I can't dispute any of your other nominations, well said. Oh yeah, and thanks for ruining that song for me too. ;-) (Though honestly, I'm not that into it.)