fa la la la laaaaaaaaaa - NOW EDITED WITH MORE LAAAAA

I have a strange Christmas tradition of ruining Christmas songs for Chip. Two years ago it was Winter Wonderland. This year we're focusing on John Lennon's Happy Xmas. We were listening to the song a while back and I mentioned how much I HATE hearing Yoko Ono's caterwauling in the background chorus.
Chip: What? Yoko Ono sings on this song?
Whimsy: YOU DIDN'T KNOW?
Chip: I thought it was KIDS! A group of off-kilter singing KIDS!
Whimsy: It is. But it's also Yoko Ono. And she sounds awful.

I could see the alarm in Chip's face as he listened to Ono's cat-in-heat screeching. I hate to say it, but once you notice it, you can't NOT notice it. Ever. Again. It becomes the Song That Is Really Sweet Until Yoko Ono Joins In.

Which is exactly what happened with Chip.

From Chip, day three: I can't listen to that song anymore without hearing her. Did she do it ON PURPOSE? Wasn't John Lenon a musician who is supposed to KNOW when someone should not be allowed to sing? ON THEIR RECORD?

Yes. And yes.

So I've done it again, ruined a perfectly good song for dearest Chip. And now, if you didn't already know about the Terrible Singing Injustice of Yoko Ono, I've done it for you. You're welcome.

Now while we're on the subject of Christmas music, let's talk about one of my least favorites. I used to really HATE Little Drummer Boy but now don't mind it so much as long as it's a nicer version without lots of RUM TUM TUMMING in the background. I think we should now hold an impromptu celebration of Worst Christmas Songs Ever Created.


In the category of Traditional Worst Christmas Song, I'm giving a hearty nomination to Deck the Halls. Could a song BE more irrelevant? First of all, I don't know ANYONE who decks their halls with holly. It's a BUSH. And it's VERY PRICKLY. Not the kind of thing that you should be draping up and down your hall. Second, I get that this is the season to be jolly and all, but I don't personally have any piece of clothing that could be considered HAPPY (this for the lyric "don ye now your gay apparel"). I'm going to skip over the very ancient use of gay for happy and just say this: I DON'T HAVE HAPPY CLOTHES, AND NEITHER DO YOU. And I'd venture to guess that no one ever had happy clothes. Clothes are clothes and they should be worn as such. Lastly, this dumb song is just that: DUMB. With all the FA LA LA LA LA madness going on, you feel terribly stupid singing it. And if you don't, you should. Because I said so.

In the category of Worst Regional Christmas Song, I'm going with this little Northwest Gem, Christmas in the Northwest. Chip was the unfortunate trapped listener on Saturday when we drove around delivering Christmas plates of cookies to friends. I ran to a door and delivered some sugar, and when I came back Chip informed me that I'd missed hearing it. And then he reminded me that we're awfully lucky that we get a CHRISTMAS WRAPPED IN GREEEEEEEEN. Think about those poor unfortunate souls in Texas or Arkansas. THEY GET A CHRISTMAS WRAPPED IN BROWN. I don't even want to imagine that song. (And as for that poor soul who wrote on the About.com page that this is "regional favorite since 1985", I think they tied you up and forced you to listen to CHRISTMAS IN THE NORTHWEST eleventy billion times until you decided that yes, it really IS a regional favorite mumble mumble mumble drool drool drool.)

And in the category of Top Worst Christmas Song, I'm going with Sippin in Seattle's Latte Land. It's another stellar regional tune and if you haven't heard it, you should be grateful. And then you should listen to it. BECAUSE IT IS SO TRAGIC. I feel a little bad saying all of this, because here's a lady who really loves her song and loves her town. Loves it so much she puts an entire album together celebrating the magic of Christmas in Seattle. Including favorites such as "We Wish You a Merry Fishmas" - and don't miss that old chestnut, "The Twelve Days of Coffee". As for the Latte song... I don't know how I feel about living in a world where someone not only WRITES a serious parody song about drinking coffee for Christmas, but PERFORMS it. And RECORDS it. And it gets PLAYED ON THE RADIO. Repeatedly. Because somehow, someway, every Christmas I hear it at least twelve dozen times.

And now that I've dispelled any notion you might have had about us Northwesterner's having great taste in music, it's your turn. Whatcha got for terrible Christmas tunes?

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Edited to add the following additional terrible Christmas songs because I KEPT THINKING OF MORE SONGS AFTER I POSTED THIS.

In the late-night added category of Kitschy Kristmas songs that make you want to hurt yourself - I am nominating two songs: All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth and that awful chipmunk Christmas song. Blech.

And in the other late-night added category of Horrible Mention, I give you Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer (WHY? TELL ME WHY?) and the Twelve Days of Christmas (clearly the song that NEVER ENDS).