In case you harbor some romantic notion that I'm Motherhood Perfection On a Stick, or something equally appalling, I present to you my latest and greatest failings as a human being.
If perfection was contained in a score of 100 on the Universal Scale of Human Perfection, I lowered my score to considerably respectable levels yesterday.
(Also: I love you and I'm very tired.)
. On day seven kajillion of the road trip to end all road trips, I found myself snapping angrily at anything and everything my family did. Chip chewed too loud: GLARE. Bean spilled Fruit Loops on the floor: HUFFING AND SIGHING. Del Taco chicken strips were deemed inedible and tasting entirely of deep fat fryer: CHAOS ENSUES. Bean decided that the last five minutes before we were about to get out of the car for lunch to be the perfect opportunity to remove her shoes and socks and then toss them wily-nily on the floor, underneath the seat: 10-MINUTE ANGRY MOTHER TIRADE. (- minus 15 points)
. Our last stop before home happened to be a lovely spot in Richland, Washington on the Columbia River. The view was gorgeous, the river was quiet and serene, and the hotel room was clean. And yet I found a thousand things wrong with it: a bathroom that barely fit the pack & play for Bean's temporary sleep quarters, a power outlet too far to said sleeping quarters for the white noise and monitor cords to reach, a television set surely manufactured sometime in 1988 that would not and could not show a clear picture of ABC or NBC. (- minus 9 points)
. I spent approximately 3.5 minutes attempting to open the mini-fridge from the wrong side. (- minus 3 points)
. Considerable muttering and swearing for approximately 3.5 minutes while attempting to open the mini-fridge from the wrong side. (- minus 5 points)
. I suggested that I could read out loud to Chip while he was driving. (+ plus 5 points)
. After reading to Chip for 10 minutes, I spent the following 90 minutes reading silently (and ferociously) to myself, ignoring all attempts at witty banter from my husband. (- minus 7 points)
. A walk down the river to the park next to the hotel was suggested by Chip to help us all unwind and relax a little. During the walk I was absolutely BESIEGED by tiny flying river gnat creatures set on invading my body through any orifice in my face (nose holes, ear holes, eye holes, mouth hole). I wasn't exactly quiet or kind in my running commentary to Chip as he walked next to me. (- minus 4 points)
. I got mad that the flying evil gnat creatures left Chip alone entirely. (- minus 2 points)
. And then I told Chip that I was mad because the flying evil gnat creatures left him alone. (- minus 1 point)
. When we got back to the hotel room I tried to open the mini-fridge from the wrong side. Again. (- minus 1 point)
It has occurred to me that I should have left this post up all week.