Wednesday, February 13, 2008

facing the breach

Or breech, as the case may be (and is).

The American Heritage Dictionary defines breach as "1a. An opening, a tear, or a rupture; b. A gap or rift, especially in or as if in a solid structure such as a dike or fortification. 2. A violation or infraction, as of a law, a legal obligation, or a promise."

Our friends at American Heritage define breech as "1. The lower rear portion of the human trunk; the buttocks. 2a. A breech presentation or delivery; 2b. A fetus in breech presentation."

I definitely find irony in all of this. I'm trying to find the humor. Give me a bit of time, I'll see what I can come up with.

For now, I feel as though the last months have torn me open, made a hole in my solid structure. I have always believed that pain and loss and trouble break us into pieces - and it's what we build with these pieces that tell the story of our life.

What does it mean that wee baby Bean is breech? In the medical sense, it means I'll be having a c-section in two and a half weeks. It means that I'll be in the hospital for 2 days instead of 1. It means that we'll face the arduous recovery from major abdonimal surgery that I had so wanted to avoid. In the ephemeral, spiritual, emotional sense, her being breech-- I'm still not sure what it means. I had so wanted her to be the one to cross the physical divide in hard labor. I had wanted to feel her body dig into mine, a physical passage for both of us into the mother/daughter relationship that we've begun. I wanted to feel her enter the world through a doorway only I could provide. I worry that the Bean is in breech postion because she is afraid to enter the world head-first, with her eyes open - that I've been too tightly wound to give her confidence in this earthly realm.

I know how selfish all of this sounds. There is nothing wrong with c-section, I know. We have so much to be thankful for in modern medicine - the fact that Bean is healthy and safe (and just wants to see the world from the easy chair of my uterus); the fact that I'm healthy and safe. The fact that the whole procedure will be done in an excellent hospital - and at least we know now, at least we can prepare, at least I don't have to go through painful labor only to have the c-section at the last minute. I am grateful. Chip is grateful.

But I'm also a little sad for the scenario that was, the scenario that won't be. I'm a little sad to not have the option. In the meantime, my dears, we'll be doing everything we can to flip this little topsy turvy girl into the right position. (I have a feeling we're going to find a good dose of HUMOR in these attempts.)

We face these things, these troubles, as they come. We do our best to be strong. We do our best to have PERSPECTIVE, to place things in their right order of importance. To not focus on one thing more than it's size would warrent. It's just... sometimes this little structure feels like I've just started rebuilding only to lose a few more vital pieces.


Heidi said...

I know exactly how you feel and it's totally normal. You had a vision--an ideal of how you wanted things to go. And now all those months of planning and preparation are suddenly getting tossed out the window and you're left thinking, "Wait a minute! This isn't what I planned..." You need some time to mourn the loss of your dream.

(But you're right--it will be okay and we are incredibly blessed to have such excellent medical intervention available. And if you'd like any C-section recommendations--I'm all advice). :):)

(Oh yeah--and that "easy chair of my uterus" line? So clever and funny!!) :)

wandering nana said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down right now. I don't know if it helps but 2 of my girls babies were breech and they turned with the week they were born. One had some help. I must admit I've never heard the uterus called the "easy Chair." When you think of it it really is like that or a mini swimming pool, just missing the sand and sun screen. It is a little exciting to know that in 2 weeks little bean will be here. Let me know if I can help.

nomadicspud said...

Me too! I know we don't know each other really well, but I do love to help. I can cook!!!

stacie d said...

instead of thinking she's afraid to come out head first...i think that she feels so safe, warm, loved & happy in there that she doesn't want to go!

i gotta say, she's proving to be your daughter!! she's going to do this birth thing the way she wants to! no ifs ands or butts! get used to's bean's world now, mommy!!!

I LOVE YOU!!! and however she makes her entrance, i will love her too with all my heart!! xoxo

Tessie said...

I'm sorry, I know you are disappointed. It's just how I would have felt.

I saw a blog comment recently that I really liked. It talked about how BOTH vaginal and c-section deliveries are about the mother having her body brutally opened in order to allow the baby passage, and how they are both an equal joy and sacrifice.

tearese said...

I totally know how you feel. I was so angry when I had my c-section, I HATED that doctor for the longest time. I was SURE he could have done it differently, and I felt upset that we'd spent so much time learning about birth and delivery and it didn't even matter.
Slowly, I've realized it was probably a good thing, or Elora might have been badly hurt or worse. But it can still be disappointing.

Artemisia said...

I am sorry for your disappointment, Whimsy. I think it is okay to mourn for that birth you had hoped for.

I have no doubt -- in the little bit I've gotten to know you -- that you will find the grace and divinity that will be a part of this other birth story.

Artemisia said...

P.S. This is a wonderfully written post.

Whimsy said...

You're all so sweet and wonderful. Thank you.

It's fantastic to have a group of people understand the disappointment that tinges the experience - but there is an over-riding degree of JOY that Bean is healthy and okay. She just, um, likes sitting around on her bum? I guess?

You know what this means for all of YOU, right? MORE INQUIRES FOR ADVICE. SOME GREAT STORIES ABOUT THE OPERATING ROOM. And: a little Bean girl with a wonderfully round head.

Stacie D - I LOVE YOU TOO. Can't wait for you to visit in June. And I couldn't resist this: "No ifs ands or butts about it..." Well, there is a very **prominent** butt in this situation. She's All About The Butt, I'm learning.

Thank you, also to wandering nana and nomadicspud for the offers of local help! I'll definitely keep you posted.

andrea said...

I wish you the best of luck with the delivery and the c-section. i know that can be disapointing to not do it natually but think about it this way you wont have to worry about "ripping". everything will be ok!

Swistle said...

I can't find a way to type this that doesn't sound aggressive when I mean it to sound tender and understanding! What I'm TRYING to say is that being breech is not something with deeper meaning. But I mean it to sound REASSURING, and instead it keeps sounding like I'm rolling my eyes! But I'm not! Honest! It's REASSURING, dammit!

I know what you mean about losing the path you thought you were on. It's like that all the time, with everything: she's a girl, so you've "lost" your boy; she's born in March, so you've "lost" the babies you might have had with a pregnancy a month earlier or a month later.