Tuesday, February 8, 2011

heartbreak free


A guy I had dated for a week once gave me a fern. A tried-and-true, accept-no-substitutes, actual live LOVE FERN. As soon as he handed me the plant, there was no question that I would never date him again. I had a hard time even looking him in the eye to say so.

With Valentine's Day looming on the horizon, I say we turn our attention to the darker side of romance. The pale underbelly of dating and relationships. The weird side of love. Who's with me?

For every horrible/weird/embarassing/strange tale of romance-gone-wrong you share, I will share one of mine. Because yes, I have that many. Groundrules: your stories need to be fun, or fun-loving, or at least shared in the spirit of fun. I don't want anybody feeling bad, or dredging up horrible memories of someone that broke your heart. You know, it's Tuesday, and I don't think that Tuesday is the sort of day to sully with heartbreak.


(Editted to add: Originally I was thinking that I'd just chime in here on the original post with my corresponding tales of awkward, but Chip suggested that I just write a post with them tomorrow. What do you think? Instant gratification today or one nice lumpy sum post of Whimsy Horror tomorrow?)


bzzzzgrrrl said...

So, so, so very many. But today, I will share the story of my favorite breakup.

I'd been dating a guy who lived almost two hours away, which meant we had very little casual-get-to-know-you time. We took things slow-ish, physically, which was smart, but still, any time we were hanging out, one of us was pretty much spending the weekend with the other. He lived with his sister; I lived with roommates, so those dynamics had to be navigated. And we liked each other, had a lot of fun together, but we would have liked each other more if it could have been a little more casual, y'know? And it didn't feel right to break up, exactly, because we liked each other, but so. much. effort. in those pre-cell-phone, pre-Facebook, pre-texting days.

So one day, we were on the phone, and he said, "Hey, can I call you back? My sister needs a hand with the groceries."

And I said, "Sure."

And then I never heard from him again. And I never called him, either. No angst, no discussion, just a tacit acknowledgment that easier was better.

And now, in my mind, he is the second-most-fondly regarded of all the exes.

bzzzzgrrrl said...

Also: This is not my story, but I read it last week, and it amused me.

tearese said...

I met this random guy at an FHE in my singles ward. I was 21, he was 32, awkward, not my type. He invited me to drive with him to the next FHE, and I agreed. We were the first ones there, so I tried to make pleasant conversation, learning that he'd never gone to college (I'd just graduated), he lived with his sister, he drove a truck for a pig farm and we had absolutely nothing in common. Also, he was very sweaty. We interacted very little during the actual FHE activity.

Suddenly, he was calling me on the phone every day for a week, telling me all these plans he had for us that summer, from river rafting, to watching plays, to fancy dinners!

I didn't know what to say, I was so freaked out that now he thought I was his girlfriend!

He had already made reservations for us at a fancy restaurant the next weekend. I tried to sound not that excited,hoping he'd get the hint, but I decided I'd go with him to the dinner, then let him know I didn't think it'd work out.

So then...he never showed up. Didn't call, nothing. I can't say I wasn't relieved, but I was also a little confused and somewhat offended that he hadn't called to say he'd changed his mind.
So the next week, I went to my one day a week evening Institute class. He came in holding hands with this other girl. He was very obviously avoiding looking at me. I tried to say "hi", trying to give him an opportunity to say what had happened.

I'm not sure if he even said hi back,but I know he never looked at me. And he never talked to me again. The end.
I was definitely relieved that he wasn't after me anymore, but I was somewhat indignant that now he wasn't talking to me at all. I always wondered if the other girl told him that I probably wasn't interested or what, because he sure didn't seem to have been catching on.

ixBeths said...

Mine is very short, but happy/sweet and not sad/awkward.

A guy I was friends with in high school had a little crush on me for awhile. He once gave me a bouquet of broccoli because he said that in 20 years, lots of boys would've given me flowers, but I'd always remember the one who gave me broccoli. And I did.

bzh said...

It was my 16th birthday. He was much older and the star of a diving show at Busch Gardens in Tampa, FL. And HE. WAS. CUTE.

After his final show of the day, my friend J. approached him and informed him that we'd be celebrating my birthday at Bennigan's (oh, shut up) that evening should he be interested in joining us.

He smiled and said he'd see us there at 9.

We rushed home, primped, preened and generally made ourselves look older. Then we rushed back to Bennigan's (ditto), arriving at 9 sharp.

As we approached the wait stand, I could see him at the bar. He waved. My heart fluttered.

"Can I see your ID?" the hostess said.

"My ID?" I responded. "We're just having dinner."

"You have to be 21 to be in here after 9 p.m.," she said.

Shit. Fuck. Piss. Damn. Hell.

I smiled at him again, as my friend J., who had a fake ID, went in and told Mr. Cutie Pie that they wouldn't let me in because I was too young.

He gazed at me with that "SHE'S HOW OLD????" look in his eye, but paid his tab and walked out with J.

We stood awkwardly in the parking lot until he agreed to follow us to a bar where we knew we could get in and get served.

He did follow us. For about two highway exits, apparently the sum total of the time it took him to come to his senses.

Of course, we circled back around in an attempt to hunt him down. He was, of course, long gone...

A post script: He returned to the Busch Gardens diving show the following summer under a different name. I caught his eye once during the show and winked. He didn't participate in the next show.

Never saw him again.

stacie d said...

I was in the early stages of dating a guy who was a morning show DJ in San Diego. He knew I often listened to the show online and he encouraged me to do so and give my input.

After one particularly great date on a Sunday night, I tuned in Monday morning just in time to hear him talk about his WIFE and SON. I sat and listened with my jaw dropped open (literally). Over the next few days I called, texted, emailed, IM’ed...looking for an explanation and apology. But he never responded and that was that.

Fast forward 2 years: I currently work on another one of his radio shows and have to communicate with him weekly. Still nothing about that wife & kid, but the good part is that I couldn’t care less now!!