(making) water torture

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I have discovered the dark side of potty training. At great risk to my personal safety, I'm going to tell you about it.

This is why you don't read a lot of Potty Training Follow-Up blog posts. It's why there aren't many bloggers out there reporting from the middle of the training, telling you what works and what doesn't, giving you a roadmap for what to do and not. It's a conspiracy.

Here it is.

Upon entry into the Great Potty Training Unknown, the Training Parent may congratulate herself on the smooth transition. She may find herself saying, "Self, you're doing GREAT! So patient! So positive! You're acting like AN EXPERT!" Meanwhile, the child in question, the Trainee, is quietly listening and snickering as she wears her brand new underpanties, BIDING HER TIME.

Several days pass. Smashing success after success. There is pee! And poop! With some prodding from the Training Parent, the Trainee responds with patient cooperation. She puts stickers on a chart. She cheers. The Training Parent begins to wonder when she can proudly crow to her friends that they are PAST THE BEGINNING STAGES OF THE TRAINING, AND ENTERED A MIDDLE GROUND OF DEEP BREATHS.

Which is when the Trainee puts her devilish plan into action.

Part one: Training Parent is cooking lunch, Trainee runs into the kitchen, dancing, "Mommy! PEE! PEE! PEE!" Training Parent then whisks Trainee off to the bathroom to take care of business. Upon placing the Trainee on the toilet and waiting for action, the Trainee then announces, "I don't have to pee." The Training Parent takes Trainee off the toilet, pulls up Trainee's pants, washes two sets of hands and then heads back to the kitchen.

Five minutes later, Training Parent is putting lunch on plate when Trainee runs into the kitchen, "Mommy! PEE! PEE! PEE!" Training Parent puts lunch plate down and gathers Trainee into arms for run to the bathroom. Training Parent places Trainee on toilet for the deed. After several seconds of silence, "I don't have to pee, Mommy." A sigh from the Training Parent as she picks Trainee off the toilet, dresses the child, washes hands, goes back downstairs.

And five minutes later, while Training Parent is taking first bite of lunch, the Trainee again approaches, "PEE! PEE! PEE!" Training Parent harumphs loudly, pulls Trainee into her arms and heads back upstairs. Again. And repeats the whole process. Again. Bum on potty. Waiting in silence. "Mommy? I don't have to pee. Mommy?" Deep sigh, off toilet, pants and unders back on body, washes hands, goes back downstairs.

Eight times, people. EIGHT TIMES IN A ROW WITH NO OUTPUT IN SIGHT.

During the eighth trip up the stairs I told Alice that I was losing the will to flush. I needed ACTION. So she complied. Finally.

But I am here to tell you that these potty training trenches are rife, RIFE, I TELL YOU, with little tortures like this. I've experienced hours of The Girl Who Cried Pee--- and when I'm ready to make my bed in the bathroom and sleep there for the night, she finally comes through with something, only to then spend the next several hours having her deny the entire existence of (or need for) the bathroom.

"Hey Alice, do you need to pee?"
"No. I don't need to pee."

Twenty minutes later,
"Hey Alice, do you need to pee?"
"No. I don't need to pee."

And twenty minutes after that, as I'm envisioning puddles of urine forming in oozing circles across the bamboo flooring,
"Alice. Do you need to pee? Surely you need to pee?"
"No. No, I do not need to pee."

Annnnnd twenty minutes after that, I'm dancing around the child, practically holding a cup underneath her (surely) bursting bladder area,
"Alice. You must pee. Don't you have to pee?"
"No, Mommy. I don't need to pee." (and silently in my head, I hear EVER AGAIN! I AM HOLDING IT FOR THE REST OF MY EXISTENCE JUST TO MAKE YOU SUFFER........FOREVER!!!!!!)


Forget water boarding, I say we need to employ a whole slew of Currently In Potty Training Toddlers at the CIA. They can crack a person in an afternoon. And it doesn't leave a mark.