Monday, January 28, 2008

i'm going to step on you and squish you flat

This one is going to be all over the place. You've been warned.
I had a HORRID night of “sleep” last night. “Sleep” because calling it sleep would be totally misleading. It’s “sleep” when you don’t actually dip into any sort of REM cycle, when you have so many wacked-out dreams that you’re convinced you’re either an audience member of some kind of loopy ballet where they require AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION or you’re trying to survive in a world where people can be shrunk down to the size of gerbils and wind up living underground, attempting to survive when they can be stepped on, eaten, or kicked into oblivion at any moment BY THE GIANT PEOPLE. Factor in INTENSE HIP PAIN, a snoring husband, two cats (one vomiting hairballs in the wee hours, the other going on closet-door-opening sprees at 4am), an overactive bladder, AND a little baby girl who twists and turns to get herself comfortable when mom can’t sleep. I found myself at one point thinking about the words HUSBAND/CAT/FETUS CONSPIRACY in relation to WHIMSY and then quickly tap danced over to YES which easily slid past HECK YES coming to rest near AND I HAVE TO GET UP IN 5 MINUTES.


In other, more sunshiny news, we have this:

This is Chip, holding up his correctly swaddled “baby” from our Saturday seminar. I have to tell you that it was actually pretty fantastic. Sure, there was some stuff we already knew – but there was also a great section on Baby Wearing, including an opportunity to actually try some of the different soft carriers (winner by a landslide in the Whimsy/Chip household: THE MOBY – dude, we’re so getting one).

Chip was a champ during BABY BATHING as well as BABY DIAPERING (which was much more theoretical than I ever imagined). My favorite part was when Chip asked the diapering instructor about the percentage of time he can expect to actually get poo material (his words) on his hands. And that if he can just know what to expect, he’ll be fine. Her opinion was 60% in the first week, with decreasing likelihood in the following weeks, probably tapering off to around 20%.

We take this whole thing VERY SERIOUSLY around here. Can you tell?

Oh, and I have to add that we spent a good portion of the seminar with K, who is also in our Labor & Birth class. This is the K who, with her gallant husband by her side, is the STAR PUPIL of the class (according to Cindy). K’s mother-in-law is a doula – so they do have quite a bit of a helping hand in knowing the right answers to things. And Chip is still a little bit irritated that they correctly performed the Double Hip Squeeze while Chip himself was still fumbling around pressing various parts of my bum (not that I was complaining). Anyway, turns out that K and A are totally NORMAL. And, in fact, I LIKE THEM. K, at least. A couldn’t attend the class due to work, so the jury’s still out on him. We took turns complaining about the pelvic pressure this late in a pregnancy, along with the frequent PEEING. She’s just 2 weeks ahead of us, and when Chip heard that, he busted out with BUT SHE’S SO MUCH BIGGER THAN YOU. Annnnnnd I’m going to take that as a compliment even though K’s belly is seriously just so round and adorable. She gets comments from folks like, “That just looks painful” and “YOU HAVEN’T HAD THAT BABY YET?!?” while I get the “You’re due in MARCH? REALLY?” and “YOU DON’T EVEN LOOK PREGNANT.”

No, I just look like I've been eating my weight in donuts and Twix bars. (And really! I haven't! But I would like another Skittle, please.) Also, anyone who messes with me today might be surprised with my ability to shrink them down to the size of a gerbil and SQUISH THEM FLAT.


Chip said...

I've often thought of diapering as the battle between good and evil. Clean vs Poo if you will. I'm going to be hands deep in a lot of poo, and I think i have the right attitude about it now.

(Bruce is me, the hairy one represents the poo,.. and Bean is the kitty!)

Pam's Place said...

I think we should put Chip's mind at ease. Someone has terribly overstated the liklihood of getting poo on his hands changing a diaper. Honest! Grossly overstated (pardon the pun). Rarely. Just keep the Wipes handy and you won't have to freak out at all. I wonder if it's the same for Dads as it is for Moms -- when it's your kid, it doesn't seem to be so awful.

Speaking of late pregnancy shape, there was a woman in one of our wards several years ago who was pregnant for the umpteenth time and her shap eas unbelievable. Her belly was almost rectangular, straight out front. She had a ledge that she could have put a cafeteria tray on and eaten off of. Or worked a jigsaw puzzle. Or played solitare on. Never saw anything like that before or since. She looked unbelievably uncomfortable, but said she wasnt. I didn't know that human skin could stretch that far or in that shape.

So enjoy your tiny-ness.

tearese said...

seriously, the poop on the hands thing almost never happens, unless you're a careless wiper or what have you.
That baby's legs sure look...flexable.

stacie d said...

poo on hands is nothin' compared to poo on a foot that gets flung onto a leg!! right, whimsy?? HAHA