Friday, January 25, 2008

tales from labor & birth class - part 4

Let's just say that ONE of us came to bed last night with a heaping bowl of Tillamook Chocolate Mudslide ice cream sprinkled with a generous handful of Cheddar Sun Chips. Who might that have been? (hint: IT WASN'T ME.) I don't want to hear any more ewwwww when I'm stuffing french fries into my cheeseburger.

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Last night's labor and birth class was focused on the following: C-sections (we watched a video that thankfully avoided the more gushy parts), vacuum & forceps deliveries, episiotomies, and the first 6 post-partum weeks.

Least favorite part:
Seeing the internal fetal monitor doo-dad that might be used in the event that the baby’s vital signs are a bit sketchy during labor (a long cord thing that they stick all up in there and then ACTUALLY SCREW INTO THE TOP OF THE BABY’S HEAD to more carefully monitor her heartbeat). Dude, I know it’s a great measure to take to more accurately check her vitals prior to having a C-section or whatnot, but I still don’t want anyone screwing a wire into my kid’s noggin. Call me crazy. We are so totally aiming to avoid that business.

Most humorous part:
The “helpful”, “handy” (Cindy’s words), and might I add WEIRDLY STRETCHY disposable underwear the hospital uses for mom after labor. We even got a demonstration with how the nurses snuggle a little icepack in there. (Whoever believes that labor is a glorious sunshiny trip through meadows of flowers full of frolicking puppies simply HASN’T WORN THOSE WEIRD PANTIES and certainly HASN’T HAD SOMEONE PUT AN ICEPACK IN THEIR DRAWERS). This is Whimsy; I tell it like it is.

Most comfortable part:
After our breathing exercises, I decided that I simply wasn’t going to get up off the floor. And more than that, I wasn’t going to sit up. I was perfectly cozy leaning back against Chip in a semi-prone position. Of course, poor CHIP maybe wasn’t all so comfy. It’s possible that his bum fell into a very deep (and later: prickly) sleep. He whispered into my ear: “You’re funny. You’re also the only one LAYING DOWN right now.” My answer: “Yes. That’s true. Hand me a Skittle.”

Whimsy's favorite part:
Scanning the room to see how many of the dads-to-be were actually COVERING THEIR EYES (no lie). The few that weren’t doing that were noticeably UNCOMFORTABLE hearing about the possible ripping/tearing of their wife’s lady parts. It was sorta cute.

Chip's favorite part:
When Cindy busted out the helpful visual aids for hemorrhoid care (a box of Preparation H and a tub of Tucks). SWEET.

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We only have ONE more L&B class next Thursday. How crazy is that? However (because I know you're all waiting with baited breath and have just ADORED this series of mindlessly numbing stuff from pregnancy land), I'll have an extra installment of "Tales From" after tomorrow when we attend our 5 HOUR SEMINAR: A DAY ABOUT BABY. I do believe we might be changing diapers on dolls. I will do my best to smuggle in a camera because this is going to be AWESOME.


Tessie said...

When I had AD they made ice packs out of DISPOSABLE LATEX GLOVES and stuck those in the Stretchy Drawers. Double the ridiculous.

I didn't realize they talked about postpartum stuff in those classes. Guess I would have found out had I appropriately scheduled ours AS SUGGESTED. Oh well.

tearese said...

our icepacks were inside cut-open newborn diapers! They worked really good too/. Love the stretchy underwear.
We also had to use that wire thing with Elora..can't remember if they did it with Joshua. Really, it just looked like she had a little knick on her head. It was fine.

ailene said...

Just so you know... I LOVE LOVE LOVE the ice packs in my panties!!! And I'd rather get blood on the hospitals stretchy panties than on my own! Those ice packs are the best thing ever. Trust me. Lined with some Tucks wipes and Lidocaine (is that spelled right?). Very nice stuff.

The ice packs and cranberry juice are the top two things I demand when I am in the hospital recovering from delivery!

Penny said...

Dude, those stretchy underwears will SAVE YOUR LIFE. I had only wished I had taken boxes and boxes of them home with me. Hell, I'd probably still be wearing them.

Kristin H said...

I second (third?) the love for the stretchy disposable undies. Also: love the ice glove ice pack. Love, love, love the nurses who come to help with everything from circumcision-wrapping changing to meconium diaper changing to positioning for breastfeeding. My friend wanted to do a home birth and while I can understand why, my first throught was, But you wouldn't have a bed that raises and lowers you for breastfeeding! Apparently I am easy to please.

Chip said...

Stretchy underwear with ice packs have always kept me focussed and alert. Whimsy, 'I'd like to invite you to the pants party'

btw: Fergus has made other concoctions using ice cream and hint o lime tostitos. Whatever paints his stripes.