tales from labor & birth class - part 3

So I'm slightly behind in my serial episodic of the labor and birth class. What? I've been BUSY, yo. I've been contemplating the massive ball that has become my belly. My favorite is when the Bean gets herself wedged up against the side of THE BELLY and I'm like 3 inches higher on one side than another. It's so weirdly alien. I love it.

We're in week 34 around here, and wondering when she's going to get her head down into the starting position. Perhaps I've just made it so enticingly INTERACTIVE with all the poking and patting and talking, she just doesn't want to get committed to a headstand. Who knows. I just hope that the undulating bulgy part that moves from side to side is actually her BUM because if it's her HEAD, I might have to go in there and put her in a time out. YES BEAN - IF YOU DON'T GET INTO THE RIGHT POSITION AND STOP MESSING AROUND WITH YOUR UMBILLICAL CORD, I'M GOING TO TURN THIS BODY RIGHT AROUND, YOU HEAR ME? DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT, EITHER.

So - back to the labor and birth class.

When we last saw our heroes, they were in a BATTLE OF WILLS with Cindy, the birth instructor. After two classes, it was decided that Cindy HATED our Whimsy and Chip and they were destined for serfdom in the caste system that is a Labor and Birth Class full of people WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOR WHATSOEVER.

The third class actually went so much better! It helps when you simply refuse to get into the positions that you know are going to either KILL YOU or cause enough blood to pool in your ankles as to require some kind of MAGICAL FEAT to get you off the floor. I made Chip do the dirty work, of course, forcing him to break the news to Cindy that the Whimsy is not so comfortable laying on her (albeit somewhat cushy) hips on the CONCRETE FLOOR THAT IS REINFORCED WITH HARDENED STEEL and we’d be happy to do a modified position as we practiced breathing. Cindy sort of gave Chip a fine/whatever nod and sent him on his way, enabling me and my husband to happily recline in bliss. Later, I started cracking up when she had us up on all fours (a position for back labor) and when a couple of the star pupils hesitated, Cindy rushed in to let us know that under no circumstances do we ever need to get into a position that is uncomfortable. Try what works! Go with the flow! Cindy is flex-i-ble to the MAX. Smile, smile, smile. HA HA HA!

The key to loving a class when you don't so much connect with the instructor is to get into the mindset that you’re somehow getting REVENGE on the instructor when you learn something that is going to be helpful. Are you following me here? I’m saying that we really do love this class. We have a video at the beginning of each session – a BIRTH video that inevitably leaves me in a puddle of teary goo (I refuse to report on the state of Chip’s emotions before, during, or after these videos. Let’s just say that I might have to occasionally share my Kleenex.). We have all these fantastically goofy breathing exercises (Chip’s favorite is the hee-hee-hee-haaaaaaa one, but he sometimes substitutes it for hate-hate-hate-heeeeeeer – indicating Cindy). We have some kind of discussion about labor and birth itself – the types of labor, ways to deal with the pain, the phases of labor, what happens during procedures, etc. We have a BREAK-OUT section where we get counted off into groups and then we spend time brainstorming about subjects like epidurals, natural birth, and labor inducement (favorite subtopic was when Cindy digressed into an enraptured lecture on natural ways to induce labor and whether or not any of the methods worked – there was a great deal of talk about nipple stimulation and how your LEVEL OF COMMITMENT really affects the outcome).

I don't know about you, but any time a group of perfectly respectable adults PAY to sit in a hospital classroom, roll around on the floor, talk about their nether region, see a bunch of videos displaying said nether region in some FUNKY ways, and then hear a lecture about the importance of COMMITMENT TO NIPPLE STIMULATION -- well, that's a good time in my book.

We have our fourth class this Thursday. I can't wait.