do you know where you're going to

Little bits from the EPIC JOURNEY:

Bean has this little set of toy car keys that are cute and stripey and brightly colored with the big big buttons and the beep beep of the horn and the funny simulated tinkley key noise when you shake them. The are adorable. And she loves them to death. Something that takes the cute away significantly is when the keys fall down between the cooler and the car door and you're driving 75 miles an hour on the highway and the keys TINKLE with every single darn bump on the road. The road that you will be driving on for at least another 45 minutes.

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Nevada in a single word: BORING.

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Why does Utah have the best hamburgers and shakes known to humankind?

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Meg wrote about the PED EGG. I want to know what's up with the commercial of the talking wart.

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How does the shake flavor of "cream pie" become universal shorthand for "nilla wafers"? I want to know.

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Putting a Boppy pillow on your head and peeking around the corner into your parents' living room, announcing that you are doing an impression of the mushroom guys from Super Mario Brothers won't really make a great impression on your parents' friends that have stopped by to say hello. It won't even get you the $10 that The Little Brother bet, saying that you wouldn't pop into the living room with a boppy pillow on your head. It will only make your head sweaty.

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Lady at the Pepperidge Farm "thrift store": Oh look, an out of state license! Are you going to school here, dear?

Me: (with a smile) No, not really.

Later...

The Sister-in-Law: Wow - she must be your favorite person.

Mom: I'm sure she didn't really mean it. She was being nice.

Me: Hey! I could pass for 20. I'm a very young 35-year-old.

Mom: You're 34. And she probably thought you were a graduate student.

Me: Yes. A 35-year-old graduate student.

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Why call it the Pepperidge Farm THRIFT STORE? I don't know. I think just calling it a "store" would engender better feelings about the place that sells cookies made directly from the factory. I half expected to find crackers stashed in bins on orange vinyl kitchen chairs, tiny price tags affixed to them.

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At the Logan Joann fabric store...

The Sister-in-Law is the only one having fabric cut. There are no other customers in sight until I walk up.

Sister-in-Law: Make sure you take a number.

Me: Really? A number?

Sister-in-Law (with sly smile): Yes. It's very important.

Me (shrugging, takes number)

Other Joann clerk girl who appears out of nowhere grabs OVERHEAD MICROPHONE: NOW SERVING... NUMBER EIGHTY-FIVE. NUMBER EIGHTY-FIVE? PLEASE COME FORWARD NUMBER EIGHTY-FIVE.

Me (trying to not laugh - and attempting to interrupt the mad call for customer EIGHTY FIVE): Um? Yes? I'm right here? (waving hands in the air)

Sister-in-Law (quietly under her breath): Yes, they wouldn't even help me until I'd taken a number. I was the only one here.

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Yes, it is possible for your bum to fall asleep.

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As we're pulling off into Twin Falls, Idaho - scoping out a place for us to feed Alice.

Me (looking at the windshield): Wow, is it raining?

Chip: No. Those are bugs.

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At the Twin Falls IHOP, talking to our server Shaun.

Chip: Do you think there's an IHOP policy against having our baby, um, sort-of hang out on top of the table?

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So given the circumstances, that's the best I can do right now. I am very short on sleep. We fed and diapered and cuddled and tried to play with Alice in some very strange places along the way - places like THE CRACKER BARREL in Boise, Idaho at 11:10 p.m. (they were closing in 50 minutes and were none too shy about letting us know they were closing soon). Some random gas station on the Salt Flats outside Salt Lake City. We watched some guy play with his dog. Fairfield, California will now forever be one of my LEAST favorite cities in the world due to an unfortunate combination of crankiness, lack of sleep, and a HUGE misunderstanding. Let's just say that the Denny's parking lot in Fairfield is never going to invoke the Warm Fuzzies for yours truly.

We're home. We're exhausted. We will post Real Content tomorrow.


Edited to add: sometimes I don't know how I even get myself dressed. I started this post in the car on Saturday and finished it last night (Monday). Did I bother to CHANGE the publish date? No. Sheesh. Now heading off to do dishes.