Thursday, August 27, 2009

last night: wishing in a darkened house

So it goes and it's another night when I'm so exhausted I can barely stand. Chip is traveling this week. I miss him. He carries my weight on his shoulders when he's here and doing so gives me so much lightness of spirit I want to float. With him gone, the heaviness of the house, the yard, the mail, the closing of the downstairs window at night, the giving Alice a bath, the putting Alice to bed, the reading to Alice from Goodnight Moon, the cleaning up downstairs, the giving a treat to the cats, the cleaning out of the cat box, the laundry, the dishes, the being the Face and the Hands and the Legs and the Heart of the Whimsy Family falls to me. I am not strong enough to do it all by myself. Mind and spirit, emotion and sense of humor--- all of these fail me in Chip's absence. But it's beyond the simple sharing of weight that makes me miss him. It's a bone-deep ache. It's missing his heart and hands and face.

Alice and I went to Target this morning. As I was driving home, she was quiet until we reached our street and then she started to just sing for Chip--- call for DAAA-DEEEEE! DAAA-DEEEEEEEE! It broke my heart into a hundred pieces.

As I pulled her out of her car seat I explained that Daddy was working. That Daddy was not home. That Daddy wouldn't be home for a few more days. She quieted down until just before her bath when she started to call for him again. I tried explaining again, that Daddy was working. That Daddy would be home Friday night, but it was like she thought she could just will him into existence.

Would that I could do the same.

So tonight...
I am wishing for my friend
my partner
my honey
my crazy-making goofy guy
my guitar-playing talentfest
my number-crunching superman
my deal-making bargain shopper
my beyond-patient sweetheart
my movie-quoting wunderkind
my most excellent driver
my best father Alice could ever ask for
my softness
my heart
my dearest
my favorite person in the whole world.

... Please come home to me soon.


M said...

y'all are so sweet.

And isn't it amazing how the kids have so much faith in their ability to just MAKE things happen.

Where do we lose that along the way?

Tomorrow, right?

Chip said...

Thanks babe. Miss you like mad. Looking forward to spending a week and a half straight with you and Punky.

Eleanor Q. said...

I felt like I spent so much time being "independent"- living on my own, taking care of and making a life that the thought of needing someone to lean on at the end of the day wasn't even on my radar. Then here we are, closing our eyes and wishing that they would just come home, just give us a hug and let us drop our shoulders. Even if we have to pick up again with all the doing and fussing it just becomes more do-able with someone else behind you.

stacie d said...

Your marriage is an inspiration to me. It reminds me that it IS possible to find real, true love!

Hurry home Chip!!!

Spadoman said...

Very sweet indeed.
I've been on the road too. I left Wednesday. I met a couple of old Army buddies for a mini reunion.
I had spent the night talking with my old friends. The subject came up about our wives and how none of us would probably be alive without them staying in our lives and how we didn't deserve them and a few other really nice things to admit aloud about our respective partners.
The conversation ended and I went into my motel room and called Mrs. Spadoman. The first words I uttered when she answered was, "Thank you for loving me."
She immediately responded, "Oh HI honey, I was just thinking how much I love you, too. I saw your pajamas hanging on the hook and said to myself how much I love you."
Always remember, the other guy is lucky to have you, too.