Friday, August 21, 2009


Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches must be cut into squares (fourths) or rectangles (half).

Tuna sandwiches (made with tiny sweet pickles cut into bits) must be cut into triangles - either four tiny triangles or two big ones.

No jelly. Only jam. Ever.

Corresponding chip of choice:
PB&J = Nacho Cheese Dorrito
Tuna = Cool Ranch Dorrito
Ham = Lay's Sour Cream & Onion

Watermelon. Served frigid cold, never room temperature.

Blueberry muffins as a side dish to Mom's Meatloaf. Don't ask me why, but the pairing is delish. (Also suggested: baked or mashed potatoes, a garden salad, and corn. When you add in the meatloaf and sweet blueberry muffins? Oh HEAVEN.)

Toast with cereal. Always and forevermore.

Butter must be applied to toast while the bread is still piping hot, so as to fully melt the butter. If there are any non-melty butter parts on room-temperature toast it is judged to be UNWORTHY OF CONSUMPTION.

Do not even think of adding ice cubes to orange juice. It is wrong. As is adding ice cubes to MILK (I know you're out there, you can't hide from me, weird ice cube milk drinkers!). The following juices are considered strong enough to carry an ice cube: apple, fruit punch, lemonade.

Nuts do not belong in ice cream.

Other things that don't belong in ice cream: apples, raisins, gummy bears, hard candy of any kind, and the entire flavors RUM RAISIN and BASEBALL NUT. Also, especially WALNUTS.

Mom's apple pie and no other. No offense, but I can't STAND Other People's Apple Pie.

Speaking of apples, they must be CRUNCHY and SWEET. Mushy apples are tossed directly into the compost bin. Never eat a Red Delicious. They are Fruit Filler in all holiday baskets and no one ever eats them. Ever.

Now. What are your food rules?


Anonymous said...

If I can at all avoid it, I don't like my foods to touch.

Hubby likes peanut butter spread on saltines when he eats chicken noodle soup.

I cannot eat tomato soup without also having a grilled cheese sandwich (no ketchup).

I can eat a grilled cheese sandwich alone, though, but only dipped in ketchup.

Amanda said...

Cheese in all forms, except mozzarella and plain cream, is disgusting.

Cereal with enough milk to get it wet and that's IT. Once it's mushy it's no longer consumable.

Bread, if it's mushy I will gag. I will not eat sandwich bread unless it is toasted. I will eat a roll if it has a decent crust.

Foods should not touch on the plate. Whenever possible, cafeteria style divider plates are delightful.

If food is supposed to be eaten hot, it must be HOT not warm. If food is supposed to be eaten cold, it must be COLD not cool.

Watermelon, cucumbers, and milk must be COLD.

Ice cubes in milk is gross. (Ice cubes in orange juice is good.)

There are so many more...

Chelle said...

It's funny - as I was reading your list, I found myself saying: yes, Yes, YES!

The milk in ice thing has always baffled me - & seriously, who does that?? Let the fridge chill it; if it's not cold enough, turn up your fridge! No one likes diluted, watery milk... ewww.

I could create an entire blog about ice cream. I worked at Baskin-Robbins for 6 years and oh, the stories I could tell. Three flavors that always turned my stomach when customers ordered them: "Peanut Butter & Jelly" (good as a sandwich combo, absolutely WRONG as a frozen, creamy treat), "Can't Stop The Nuts" (oh, yes I can) and "Black Walnut" (old people loved the stuff but I had to hold my breath as I leaned in to scoop the stuff).

I also a rule about certain casseroles/cheesy dinner entrees: they must be piping, oozy hot. Sometimes, I've dished up my portion right out of the oven and promptly thrown it into the microwave until it reaches molten goodness. Yeah, I know I'm weird.

M said...

Ice cubes in milk? I have NEVER heard that one before--who ARE these people. And also ewwwwww.

Amen on the no NUTS in ice cream--but also no nuts in banana bread. The end.


(and then she fainted.)

You know most of my food weirdness. But what you do not know is that the Boy is developing his own--before he eats anything he has to pull it from the plate, put in on the table and press it with his finger to test the squishiness. He still eats it, but I think he needs to know what to expect--Will it be firm, crunchy, squishy or merely soft?

He cracks me up.

Also, Amen on the watermelon--room temperature watermelon is like half-assed watermelon.

donna said...

Sorry but I have to defend my ice in milk habit. I can only stomach milk when it is ICE COLD otherwise my brain immediately thinks it's warm and warm milk is spoiled milk. So yes, I put one or two cubes of ice in my glass of milk and drink it fast (so the ice really doesn't have a chance to melt)

Also, my MIL actually PREFERS red delicious apples, which makes me gag.

Whimsy said...

You guys are KILLING ME with your awesome lists.

Donna - you're a weirdo but I love you anyway. I do understand about ICE COLD milk, but I personally can't chance the watered down business that inevitably happens with ice. Chip is helpfully reminding me that maybe we need to stage an ice-in-milk intervention and give you a FREEZER. (ha!)

Chelle - BLACK WALNUT! Yes! Nasty, nasty, NASTY stuff. Winston LOVES it. Your old person comment made me cry, I was laughing so hard.

I should have added the NO NUTS in ANY BREAD rule. Can't believe I left that one off.

Carry on with your listing, it's high entertainment.

Swistle said...

1. Cold cereal is eaten like this: milk goes into the bowl; cereal is added several bites' worth at a time, so it will not get soggy.

2. Milk must be very cold. If it is insufficiently cold, it can be poured as food is being prepared and put into the freezer until food is ready.

3. Toast toppings must reach all the way to and including the crusts---unless it is restaurant toast of the pre-topped variety, in which case a surprising exemption is granted.

Cherish said...

Personally, I like nuts in icecream.

I do the same as Swistle with my milk. I usually dont bother to drink it because it's rarely cold enough but when I do, I put it in the freezer first.

I cant imagine having grilled cheese without tomato soup and I cant have tomato soup without saltines.

I hate Strawberry jam unless it is in a peanut butter and jam sandwich. I can not handle any other type of jam with PB but on toast only raspberry or blueberry will do.

I usally cut my sandwiches into triangles (2) unless it is egg salad. I like little egg salad sandwiches like you would eat at a luncheon.

Boiled/baked potatoes and perogies must have sour cream or they are not worth eating. Rolls must have margarine or they are also not worth eating.

The only time I will be balongna is on an onion bun with margarine and mustard.

Pizza should be warm and thick. Thin crust lovers baffle me.

I could go on and on. The only other thing is when Jason makes dinner and it consists of only one thing or maybe a meat and one side, I feel like I haven't finished my meal. Dinner should consist of a protein source, a starch and veggies. Am I wrong?

Pickles and Dimes said...

This post is awesome.

Milk must be ice cold and poured out of a jug, never a carton. This is non-negotiable.

All sandwiches, regardless of content, need a layer of butter first (even if it's a peanut butter sandwich). Also non-negotiable.

Bread that is cold, wet or dried out makes me want to vomit. This is why our camping sandwiches are sealed in baggies AND a plastic tupperware bin before being placed in the cooler.

I can only eat pizza with pop. No other beverages will suffice.

Bananas must be green. They can sometimes be greenish-yellow, but never yellow and definitely never ever brown.

Grilled cheese sandwiches are excellent for dipping in taco sauce.

I will not eat any of the follow if they contain nuts: cookies, ice cream, cake, banana bread or caramel apples. However, I do like nuts alone (peanuts and pistachios only).

If there is one solitary strand of mother-effing coconut on something, it goes in the trash.

I could go on and on, seriously...

-R- said...

No ice in milk or juice. But especially milk.

Any type of fruit pie must be served cold.

Chip said...

I still don't understand the concept of straight hot milk.... (ralph)

MzEll said...

I've been waiting all day to come back and comment and I almost forgot! AHHH!

1. Once the milk in poured into my cereal there is NO TALKING. I have to eat it as fast as possible so it doesn't get soggy, or else I have to throw it away.

2. I cannot eat a ripe banana or watch/hear other people eat them. The noises the mouth makes while consuming such a thing are HORRID.

3. Wet bread gives me the serious heeby-jeebies. When I was younger I couldn't even put it in the sink/garbage without running out of the room.

4. If salad dressing or ketchup is needed in a meal, it must be rinsed off immediately. The smell lingering in the sink....GAG...

That's all I can think of right now...

serenity now said...

This is by far the most hilarious post I've read in a while. Gross food stories--so funny.

I gotta agree with Amanda about the cheese thing. I've been ridiculed about this my whole life, but most cheese is really gross, and more gag-worthy for me than a lot of other things y'all don't like.

I'm with Chip on the hot milk thing--no idea why people ever thought that was a good thing. It's gotta be cold, cold, cold or I'm not drinking it.

In making a PB&J, the PB goes on one piece of bread and the jam (never jelly) on the other. Then put the two pieces of bread together and slice as the mood strikes.

Red Delicious apples can be delicious, but it's hard to find a good one. Harder in some parts of the country than others. I had a knack for finding good ones but am out of practice since moving away from good apple country.

When any fresh fruit is mealy, unflavorful, not juicy, I can't eat it. For example, I see no point to eating fresh apricots.

I don't like ice cubes in drinks. Too many bad experiences with ice cubes that taste like someone's freezer--blech!

bethsix said...

Straight milk (as cold as possible, no ice) should only ever be consumed with foods in which chocolate is an/the ingredient.

On burgers, mustard should be the sole condiment.

Pizza is best consumed with ranch dressing. If no ranch dressing is available, garlic salt may substitute.

Salads are best when they include sliced pickles and grated cheese.

Romaine is the preferred lettuce for salads. If romaine is not available, spinach can be used. Iceberg is only ever appropriate at all-you-can-eat buffets (fine, by the way, if not a little grody).

No ice cubes in any kind of juice; lemonade is not a juice.

Foods that have sustained freezer burn, especially ice cream, but even those that have been cooked, will make me gag from a mile away.

White bread should never, ever be consumed.

You may think you have cooked my chicken/beef/pork enough, but if we are not in a nice restaurant, I will need you to cook it more. And I might drink alcohol to kill the bacteria.

Lunch meats are best purchased at deli counters. Pimento cheese is never, ever, ever okay.

Low sodium/low fat soups should not be eaten.

Cooked vegetables are to be served al dente.

Raw brocolli makes me barf a little in my mouth, but cooked is okay. Likewise, cooked carrots make me barf a little, but raw are okay.

Apples should only be consumed if they are Granny Smith, Gala, or Golden Delicious, respectively. Red Delicious apples should only be consumed if you enjoy the taste of ear wax.

Seed fruits should be eaten firm, even a little on the underripe side, in order to avoid any possibility of mealy flesh.

I don't care if all your friends are licking the cookie/brownie batter bowl, if there are raw eggs, you will die.

Soggy cereals/breads are of the devil.

Oh, and also? For the love of all that is holy, never (NEVER) suck water off your toothbrush. (I realize this is unrelated, but gaaaaag.)

Anonymous said...

Pizza and Milk go together like ramalama-a-dingity-ding-da-dong. love it.

I'm from Chicago, but I love thin crust pizza -- because YOU CAN EAT MORE OF IT. (that's the goal, right?)

When I was a child, I would pour a bowl of cereal, add the milk and eat, and if I ran out of cereal before the milk was gone, I had to add more cereal. And if I then ran out of milk before the cereal was consumed, well, you get the picture ... I ate a lot of cereal as a child. Breakfast was a long meal.

what belongs in ice cream? let me tell you: a big handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips taken from the giant Costco bag of decadence. And M&M's blended up in ice cream is HEAVENLY. Pregnant Kate consumed many of those wonderful treats.

I have been LMAO reading these comments, too -- I think all of your readers, Whimsy, are freaks. wonderful freaks, but freaks none-the-less. I feel at home ;-)

clueless but hopeful mama said...

Oh this is too funny.

But now I have used up all my allotted computer time reading (and laughing my ass off at) all the hysterical comments!

donna said...

I agree that putting the milk in the freezer would make it cold enough if you had the advance notice that you wanted milk. But what if you just decide on a whim that you must eat that brownie right now with a glass of milk? Lives could be lost in the time it takes that milk to get cold in the freezer. Why the hate for a cube or two of ice?

Spadoman said...

Dear Whimsy.... I finally got to spend real quality time at your blog. I finished reading the "trip" stories, all six parts. Let me say Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I see where you seem to excuse your feelings with humor. You do a good job. But I pride myself as an old man, (read: wisdom), and I know you realized some very real, sometimes harsh, things when it relates to all the time you wondered about the family you came from biologically.
Good for you for doing the trip. Thanks to Chip for being there, sick or not. These posts are also the first time, in the short time I've been coming here, that Alice was not the forefront. There is a life beyond raising sweet Alice, you told us about that, and it was good.

Now, for the food:

Jam only here too! Grape is okay, but I like Strawberry, Black Raspberry, (seedless first, but w/ seeds is okay too)

I put mayo, NEVER MIRACLE WHIP, on grilled cheese samiches, (and ham or balogna or salami too)

NO ICE in milk or OJ, ever

However, I DO like nuts in my ice cream. Favorites: Toasted Almond Fudge and butter pecan)

I like anyones apple pie, but I judge all cheesecake by MY moms. (Yes, I have a recipe and it's easy and really good, ask)

Sorry it took me a long time to get here and finish reading and catch up with your blog. You write a lot and I really want to have quality time here to read and respond. You make me want to think about stuff, especially in the Denver visit pieces, not just because it was so epic to take a trip to Denver, but to experience the family. Made me just wonder in amazement at the feelings, and you portrayed them well.

peace to you, Chip and dear Alice.
Peace to all

Spadoman said...

PS Oh yeah, watermelon, only really really cold.

bzzzzgrrrl said...

Finally got around to posting mine, months after your request. They're less rulesy, I think, and include more alcohol, but enjoy anyway.