Wednesday, September 30, 2009

If / Then

If my entries had date stamps then you would see that I am writing this at the unholy hour of 3:30ish in the am.

If you ride all day in the backseat of the car with your toddler on the way to Spokane with your husband for business then you will have a back ache.

If you eat an early-ish lunch and don't have a snack in the car because you didn't plan very well then you will be ravenously hungry come dinner.

If you have an awesome husband with Hilton Rewards Diamond status and the portacrib doesn't fit in your room's bathroom then you will find yourself staying in a spacious handicap room.

If you have an awesomely awesome husband who goes to pick up pizza for dinner then he will also bring back ice cream.

If you eat way too much of the ice cream then you will have very weird dreams including one about mice the size of people. And cheese.

If you have strangely disturbing dreams then you will wake up in the squeaky black hour of 2am with the urgent need to go to the bathroom.

If you are lazy and also quite the chicken and the bathroom inside your room is currently being occupied by a 22 pound charmer who is currently sound asleep then you will agonize in bed for nearly an hour just hoping that the, um, URGE will pass and you will drift back to weird dreamland.

If you are me and you consumed an unholy amount of the cookie dough from that awesomely procured pint of cookie dough ice cream then the URGE will not pass and will only intensify. You will eventually succumb and force your scared self to get out of bed, to get dressed, to find your shoes, ALL DONE IN THE DARK, MIND YOU.

If your husband sleeps through your stealthy wardrobing then you will wake him to tell him that you are now headed down the hall, down the elevator, to the public restroom at 3am.

If you are a scaredy cat and also an insufferable know it all then you will remember an insipid statement you made to your awesomely awesome husband earlier in the evening about how the 'close door' button on an elevator ALWAYS works even as he was PRESSING THE BUTTON AS THE DOORS STOOD OPEN STUPIDLY.

If you are standing in a hotel elevator in the eerie dark morning hour of 3am madly pushing the CLOSE DOOR button just praying that the crappy doors will SHUT before the late night roaming flesh eating zombies get in then you will also start worrying about those man-size cheese-munching mice.

If you finally make it down the elevator and through the deserted hotel hallways without getting abducted or zombie-fied then you will spend your entire bathroom experience thinking that the roving zombies and mice have formed a gang and are waiting outside the bathroom door.

If you survive getting back out of the bathroom and back in to the elevator then you will again recall your earlier idiot elevator DOOR CLOSE comment and rue the day you made fun of your awesomely awesome husband as you VAINLY AND REPEATEDLY PRESS THE DOOR CLOSE BUTTON just hoping that the terrifying zombie/mice gang is otherwise occupied with eating the hotel night clerk's brain thus allowing you with a clean getaway.

If you finally make it back upstairs, into your room, undress, climb back into bed, lay down and breathe a sigh of relief, then you will find yourself far too keyed up to fall back to sleep.

If you sit in your bed just willing yourself to sleep and it doesn't happen then you will choose the much ill-advised secondary pastime of BLOGGING ABOUT IT.

If you spend enough time composing a very ill-advised blog post about ice cream and late night runs to the bathroom then you will eventually HAVE TO GO AGAIN.

If you are up and awake and generally HATING EVERY SECOND OF WASTED SHUT-EYE TIME then you can at least wish your dad a very happy birthday. Long live that crazy Winston!

(If you had an iota of technical savvy then you would insert the picture that The Little Brother posted last night on Facebook of Winston RIDING A MECHANICAL BULL. But you aren't savvy and you have to run the zombie/freakishly mansize rodent deathtrap hallway/elevator gauntlet... again.... So: Whimsy out.)

Edited to add: If you wake in the morning after sleeping for a brief two hours and you begin to reflect on this poorly punctuated late night madness then you'll also realize that you didn't say ANYTHING about the exciting Solace of Leaving Early book discussion beginning here tomorrow. Even if you haven't finished the book, you should stop by. I'm sure there are some things that you can add to the discussion. Also keep in mind that we'll be starting tomorrow, but will continue through the weekend, so it would be great to have you stop by multiple times! See you tomorrow!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry


M said...

Am cracking up.

But only a little bit because we have a shared hotel room with a toddler experience on the near horizon and lo, it sucketh.

I'm glad you escaped the zombies. I think the experience would be de-creamifying. Or would that be curdling?

Spadoman said...

Thank goodness for technology. Otherwise, I wouldn't know how your night went last night. Now that I do, I say, "Wait until you get old and your up all night for no apparent reason."
All my posts are at 4:00 a.m. LOL


wandering nana said...

Lions and tigers and bears... oh my! (you had to think of zombies!). The thing that impressed the most (even though your writing is extremely impressive) is the fact that you did it at 3:00am and on your Blackberry!!! If I did this on my Pre it would take me hours to type this much. When are you home again? Oh, I hate to admit it but I still have 200 pages left to read... sorry I've been such a slacker.

Rose said...

It is comforting to know that I'm not the only one that imagines these sorts of things... especially at night...

Oh, it upsets me when the close door button doesn't work...! Certainly don't want some creep (or zombie or mouse) to get in before the doors have closed! Or maybe that means they'll sprint up the stairs and meet me on my floor... eek!

If you guys ever use our 'hotel' we'll try to make sure that it is dezombie-fied for you.

Anonymous said...

you are a most impressive Blackberry Typist -- I type 120wpm on a keyboard, but I cannot HOPE to type an essay as long as your blog and not have my fingers fall off, or my carpal tunnel sieze up both of my hands, or my eyes cross forever looking at the small little BBerry screen. I bow to you, Oh Mistress of the BBerry Blog Posters. K8

Erin P said...

Great post. Do you happen to have the book "If you Give a Moose a Muffin"? I love the technique. Did you seriously do the whole thing on a blackberry or just the "Edited to add:" part?