Thursday, July 29, 2010

musing on a thursday morning

Sometimes I feel like I invaded this life I live - a life that couldn't possibly be mine. A two-year-old child, a home in a somewhat suburban northish area outside of Seattle, a husband, friends who bring me Valentine's Day cookies, and notes waiting in my in-box. All of this just couldn't possibly belong to me.

I am still the girl living in a too-tall apartment next to The Burrough. This girl lives in a dreamworld but occupies a ghost's space riding the bus to her job in downtown Seattle. She eats dinner in front of the television or sitting at an empty kitchen table reading a book. She ascends steep stairs to the third story each evening, climbs into a white-sheeted bed, whispers goodnight to her cats and sleeps. In her dreams she wanders long gray landscapes. She scans the indistinct horizon for familiar silouhettes that never surface, only the gray-green mist against silver hilltops, her steps soft on grass. She wakes in the dark, blinking eyelashes against the gathering memories. She feels a deep sense of gnawing loss that can't be fed. These small stretches of dreaming sleep are punctuated by this, the waking and wondering and feeling as though she should burst from her bed and scour the dark for the lost piece. In the morning, the dreams are mostly forgotten.

Just like in the mornings of these days now that I spend with Bean and Chip, the memory of my life before is gauzy and vague, a feeling of something hovering off in the distance.


Spadoman said...

You're up early, (or did you post this late, past midnight on the day before?)

Caution: Words of an old man ahead.

All of these things, these memories and changes to our lives, however they manifest themselves, make us who and what we are. We don't control anything. It's easy to tell the stories of how things happen, but not easily explained and nevere really uinderstood.
Accept them, savor the good, release the bad and live like there is no tomorrow.

You are a magnificent human being. And the fact that you realize you have blessings makes that so.


kately said...

interesting - your musings match mine lately ---I've been thinking about the same .... I look back on my life (45 years now and counting) and I have different chapters -- almost different lives, really. My teens .... my 20's ..... my challenging 30's .... my amazingly wonderful 40's .... all very different times - all brought me to this place ... those "lives" are surreal to me -- vague whispers of something I know belonged to me, but it feels like forever ago ...