seeing red

She likes color. When I ask her about her favorite hue, she tells me Red. Orange. Green. Blue. Yellow. She can't make up her mind, and why should she? I like them all. Different reasons for each.

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Black for quiet, for mystery. Yellow for vibrancy. Blue for peace and calm. Green for feeling alive, a zing of movement. Orange for fun.

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Monday was red. A day for intense focus and extreme passion. We ran the length of the house, howling, and then back to the living room to collapse in a heap. We laughed until we were hoarse. And then she turned to me, slapped me hard on the face, angry that I was sitting "Too close - too close, mommy. GO AWAY!" I yelled back, not a proud moment for me. I sent us both to time out while I tried to gather my dignity.

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Later I sat on the couch paying bills. She'd been quiet for a while, talking to various stuffed buddies, when I felt a small tug on my sleeve.

"Mommy. Can you please feed little Elmo? Can you feed him some red?" She held out a plate of red, perfectly gathered hues of the day.

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Last night, after I'd put her to bed, I prowled the hallways with a distracted mind --- thinking over the day, my imperfections as a mother. How many times had I lost my temper, had I scolded for something small? Far too many, was the answer I received as I checked the lock on the front door. Closing up the house as inventory of personal pitfalls. Walking by my dark studio, I noticed a cat-sized silhouette in front of the window, the curtains open. I wandered in to seek comfort of the four-legged kind. It was Fergus, staring into a wonderland of falling snow. We sat on the bed together, each seeking comfort. He rubbed his head on my hand and made purrdle noises. I watched the snow drift by in the lamplight of our neighbor's windows. Snow is beautiful as it falls, especially at night. I love how the white makes even the darkest of nights become twilight again: a serene silver blue against a sky of spun silk. No one was out as the flakes fell fast and thick, a perfect blank canvas. I thought about the day to come, what I could do better. Practice patience, enjoy Alice's exurberance. A deep breath to forgive past mistakes. White for calm, white for quiet, white for a fresh start.

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Colors for everything. Makes perfect sense to me.

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(Do you have a favorite color? Or do you describe mood by color? What are you feeling right now?)