Thursday, November 12, 2009
Chip is a very suspicious fellow. It may not be the first thing you'd think about when meeting him for the first time (boy that guy is SUSPICIOUS), but if you give him enough time, you'll hear some of his theories. To his credit, he has taught me a TON about never taking no for an answer, always asking questions, and never ever leaving a stone unturned especially when it comes to MONEY. The guy has some kind of crazy gift for ferreting out an overblown price and we have GREATLY benefited from his suspicious nature.
That being said, I will now share some of Chip's suspicions with THE WORLD.
The detergent companies design their bottles to KEEP some detergent in them. So even if they say they have 100 ounces in them, you only EVER get, like, 95 ounces out of the bottle. That way you think you're getting more soap, but you are still compelled to go out and buy a new bottle sooner.
We are currently in the midst of a pack of Huggies diaper wipes we bought from Costco. Every four wipes (or so), you get an extra long wipe... a double wipe, if you will. My version: I guess the perforation machine wasn't working so well that day. Chip's version: CONSPIRACY. WE'RE USING DOUBLE THE WIPES! THEY JUST WANT US TO BUY MORE WIPES!
car dealership credit score.
Chip tells me that the car dealerships use a "different" credit score than other channels. By "different" he means "tricky and underhanded and intending to swindle the consumer out of thousands of dollars". He's probably right, but I get scared when I think too much about all the underhanded swindlers trying to take my money.
furnaces, forced air, and anything related to heating your indoor space.
I know very little about heating systems and thermostats except how to set them to provide a decently comfortable environment. My husband, however, has taken the Conspiracy of Heating Systems to a new level of crazy. To wit: we'll be sitting at home and the heat goes on. Chip stands to put his hand to the vent and turns to me and says, THERE IS COLD AIR COMING OUT OF HERE. COLD AIR. THE FURNACE HATES US. I can't explain it, of course. I have a feeling (or I hope this is true) that the air just feeeeeeels cold even though it's running at exactly the temperature it should be, but it doesn't matter. According to my husband, the furnace is part of an elaborate conspiracy to cheat us out of heating integrity. Or something. HOWEVER, to his credit, I have recently begun to RETHINK my lack of faith in the whole Heating Conspiracy to Take Our Very Will to Live, and that's because we are staying at a hotel whose entire heating and cooling system is POSSESSED. I spent the first night waking every hour, either turning the heater WAY UP because the thermostat had decided that "68 degrees" should equate to SUB-FREEZING; or waking to turn the heater OFF and also OPEN THE WINDOW because the thermostat had decided to take 72 degrees way on up there to HOT AS THE DESERT FLOOR; OR waking to close the window and turn the stupid heater back on (trying for 70 degrees) because very tiny icicles were forming on my eyelashes. It was not a restful night. The heater? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATES US.
mortgage paperwork and all the extra charges.
When we were closing on our house, I will never forget sitting at the escrow company's conference table (nervously eating jelly beans) and signing page after page after page. At each page we'd get this little explanation from the escrow agent and inevitably there would be some kind of fee - like, "This is the Page Stapling Charge which will cost you $50" and "This is the Door Locking and Unlocking Charge which will cost you $200" and so on and so forth. We all know where this is going, right? CONSPIRACY. Chip is of the opinion that we need to start a business to just sort of leap in to the Mortgage Piggyback Charges Mafia. I'll let you know how it goes.
chip's newest conspiracy.
You know that Hershey's Kisses commercial where the Kisses are all happily being created in the snappy singy factory? And the chocolate is swirled out of a machine and then flown in happy dancing arcs over the twitchy twirly machines and then wrapped in blissful sparkling aluminum--- only to then be sent in an ecstatic cheerful toss down a CHUTE OF JOY and into the awaiting mouth of a shiny happy girl child? Yeah, so Chip says (every time, with every viewing of this commercial): "You know it doesn't really happen that way. It just doesn't."
I am very happy to report, out of all the terrible evil conspiracies designed to TEAR MONEY AND HOPE OUT OF OUR VERY TIGHTLY CLOSED FISTS--- one thing is NOT a conspiracy. And I have PROOF. PHOTOGRAPHIC PROOF. It's this:
Publisher's Clearinghouse. It turns out they actually DO give away money. Really! Because I saw them in our hotel's parking lot on Tuesday (we're in picturesque south central Washington this week with Chip - Yakima, to be exact). I watched as these two Publisher's Clearinghouse people worked furiously to adhere a million PUBLISHER'S CLEARINGHOUSE decals to a maroon minivan, including a GINORMOUS one to the side. My PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE-SUPPORTED THEORY: they were getting ready to give away a huge cardboard check! To some unsuspecting person who bought a Publisher's Clearinghouse subscription! And Chip? His theory when I told him the story? Are you sure they were going to give away money? I bet they were going to go door to door selling subscriptions (subscriptions that, no doubt, had NO CHANCE OF WINNING A MILLION DOLLARS).
What are your conspiracy theories?