Tuesday, January 20, 2009

lemons. and teeth, maybe.

Edited to add: the title was originally about lemons magically transforming into lemonade. But as Amanda pointed out, there isn't a lot of lemonade floating through this post. So there you go: lemons.


What?




I have a confession, and it's not one of those confessions about how I killed my goldfish, or how I've been watching horrible television with Chip. It's about Alice. And it goes like this:

Alice is making a NOISE. A fairly new NOISE. A fairly new NOISE on a now-regular basis. And the NOISE? Is making me crazy.

The NOISE is like a thousand gnat-sized dentists equipped with corresponding gnat-sized teeth drills and they are busily DRILLING DIRECTLY INTO THE SQUISHY PART OF MY FRONTAL LOBE, all the while singing My Name is Luka (what Chip deems to be The Most Annoying Song Ever Written).

Or, it's like a hundred teeny tiny itty bitty babies with their teeny tiny itty bitty RAZOR SHARP TALONS scrape scrape scraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaping a chalkboard.

Or, if you prefer, it's like biting into a wonderfully gooey melty chocolate chip cookie-- and as your teeth come together on the delicious chocolate concoction you feel the horrific CRUNCH of a giant egg shell.

It's like the most annoying and irritating thing that you can imagine - the thing that sends you screaming from the room to burrow your head under a pillow all the while screaming MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! until your ears bleed and your head explodes.

You know, like that.

This noise is the noise of WHINE. And I can't take it. I thought that we were too early for WHINE. Apparently, I was wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Heaven-help-me-my-eyeballs-are-rolling-into-the-center-of-my-head-I-can-actually-SEE-the-tiny-little-dentist-HOLES-in-my-squishy-lobe-and-I hear-the-WHINE-in-my-sleep WRONG.

There aren't enough italics to get this across to you guys: the NOISE has taken my will to live. And oh dear, it's taken my will to even use ITALICS, we are in TROUBLE.

The problem with the WHINE at Alice's tender age? There is no explaining to her that we simply don't communicate in WHINE. We don't understand WHINE. There is no WHINE at the Last Homely House - and for that matter, WHINE doesn't go well with anything, so we're doing you a service.

There isn't any of that. There is only me and Chip, looking at each other and begging PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

MAKE.
IT.
STOP.



And hey, if you have any helpful suggestions, let me know.


Edited (some more) to add: as I was putting Alice to bed earlier, I realized (duh) that Alice is teething with a vengeance, so I feel a leeeetle bad about posting this. She's generally a very easy-going and sweet kid. And we've learned that she (again: generally) doesn't make a fuss unless it's warranted. Really, I mean it. So the WHINE caught us by surprise. I'm going to blame the WHINE on the stealthy teething (totally snuck up on me, stupid stupid) and start fresh tomorrow. Yes, that's my plan. Though I am still curious about your suggestions for Curbing the Whine.

11 comments:

Amanda said...

Oh dear!

You've already clearly pointed out that my tried and true response of "I can't hear you when you whine" won't work on a youngster her age so... (that's all I've got and um, I don't see the lemonade part except for the fact that she's cute as a bug)

angelalois said...

doesn't sound lemonade-y at all, babe. yikes. is this the kind of whine when you take away the remote control or the real cell phone? because we get that from bebe in our house, too. UGH!

Shelly Overlook said...

Ear plugs.

The Whine? Only gets worse? Esp if she notices it gets attention.

I've heard it goes away about age 17. I'm not holding my breath.

The Wife said...

We shall be employing my sister's tried and true technique. Of course, it doesn't really work until they're about 2 so I have no assistance for you for the next year plus. Sorry babe.

My sister's technique is to make them aware of what they're doing and then to REMIND them (sometimes energetically) that that is unacceptable. She looks at them and asks them, "What are you doing with your mouth?" And she keeps asking until they respond, "Whining." At which point she looks at them and says, "When you can speak to me in a normal voice I will be happy to listen to you. Until you can speak to me in a normal voice you need to go away." Her kids didn't whine past the age of 3 or 4 (in Matthew's case, he was a PERSISTENT whiner). Speaking of which, he developed this NOISE of dissatisfaction that sounded alarmingly like a lawn mower whining. It was very disconcerting.

Yeah, so I did warn you that it wouldn't work on Alice until she was older--until then, I think...um...yeah, ok, I've got nothing. Sorry.

You have my sympathy if it means anything to you.

Eleanor Q. said...

Ahhh! We're totally going through the same thing, except he goes THHBBTTT all the time spraying everyone with spit, food or generall grossness. I can't get him to stop or realize its not acceptable. You have to let me know what works with Alice.

Eleanor Q. said...

Ahhh! We're totally going through the same thing, except he goes THHBBTTT all the time spraying everyone with spit, food or generall grossness. I can't get him to stop or realize its not acceptable. You have to let me know what works with Alice.

Eleanor Q. said...

Ahhh! We're totally going through the same thing, except he goes THHBBTTT all the time spraying everyone with spit, food or generall grossness. I can't get him to stop or realize its not acceptable. You have to let me know what works with Alice.

Eleanor Q. said...

Ahhh! We're totally going through the same thing, except he goes THHBBTTT all the time spraying everyone with spit, food or generall grossness. I can't get him to stop or realize its not acceptable. You have to let me know what works with Alice.

The Importance of being Allen said...

It doesn't go away after age 17. It only turns into "rolling eyes and a pathetically sarcastic SIGH!" I think I will take the whine any day over the other stuff! But I know what you mean...just wait till she can talk and tell you "I just can't take it anymore!!!" "You make me sooooo MAD!" Your 3 yr. old nephew really loves those phrases. Motherhood is such an adventure. When are you going to have another one.... we all want another cousin, niece or nephew maybe. :) LOVE AMY!!!!

tearese said...

poor teething baby. Elora whines. Like a baby. And she's three. Nothing makes me more angry with her...she understands this, but does it anyway, even though it earns no sympathy from a very annoyed mother.

Julie said...

I have no advice on the whiney issue, but Chip is right. My Name is Luka is the most annoying song in the world. Tell him he chose well.