Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Burnstopia Travel Rewards Program

Well, I hope you’re all having a JOLLY April Fools Day! This is the Wife from Burnstopia—if you’re looking for the Magnificent Whimsy she’s staging a coup d’état over at Burnstopia for the day.

I had originally thought of sending this as an email to my best friend Whimsy—a sly, backdoor approach to playfully mocking her Chip—but once she staged the coup d’état I thought that the only proportional response would be to playfully mock her Chip from her blog!

See, you should all know that the Whimsy is coming to stay with me! ME! In North Carolina! In 17 DAYS!!! I’m more excited than a feeble exclamation mark can convey! And as part of her stay there will be some travel rewards, rewards which will make her Chip drooly with envy.

As part of the Burnstopia Travel Rewards Program, the Magnificent Whimsy will receive the following during her stay with us:

Seven (7) complementary snacks, as part of the Feed Guests Well Program here at Burnstopia. Their salty nature will be left to the choice of our guest. Naturally, complementary snacks for the return flight will be provided, as we at Burnstopia provide better service than your standard airline industry.

Four (4) dinners, their nutritional content may be subject to argument as vegetables are not always included free of charge. However, while some may protest the absence of vegetation at the dinner itself, dessert is always complementary and made from scratch by our talented and tasteful pastry chef.

Four (4) Breakfasts, which vary from the continental to full Southern breakfast of biscuits, eggs and sausage gravy. Knowing our guests’ taste is a point of pride here at Burnstopia, so naturally the Whimsy’s favorite Vanilla Almond granola will be served in addition to strawberry and vanilla yogurts.

Three (3) lunches, the locations of which are left to the choices of our guests. Burnstopia is located (for the time being) in a perfectly ordinary town in central North Carolina. While here, Whimsy will have access to the standard restaurant chains Red Robin™, Chick-fil-A™, and PF Changs™; in addition to this predictable fare, she will have access to Burnstopia favorites like Twisted Noodles, Mediterranean Deli, Bombay Grille, and Maple View Farms Diary and Ice Creamery.

We take your nutritional needs seriously here at Burnstopia. As part of our Travel Rewards Program, we offer you the option of forwarding a shopping list of specific food requests for you or your child. If said list is received within forty-eight (48) hours of your arrival, those items will be provided for the duration of your stay with us.

Naturally, here at Burnstopia, we wish to make your stay with us as comfortable as possible. While here you will be sleeping in our guest accommodation and wee Alice will have access to our best crib. All efforts have been made to childproof the remaining apartment, as we at Burnstopia take the comfort and safety of our guests seriously. And since we take the comfort of our guests seriously, complementary use of our on-site laundry facilities will be provided in addition to personal transportation.

Your enjoyment is our top priority and so we offer the following activities as part of our Travel Rewards Program:


Two (2) Targets will be made accessible for your perusal and enjoyment. There are distinct differences between the two as they each cater to a very different clientele. Those differences will be made apparent upon perusal.

Two (2) Malls. Southpoint and University malls are located with in easy driving distance. They offer a wide variety of shops and are eager for your educated and enlightened critique.

One (1) Less than Savory Jo Ann’s fabric store. The plan at Burnstopia is to take you there so that you can enjoy the delights of mocking it as much as we do.


Located conveniently 20 minutes away are the campuses of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill as well as Duke University. While each university system offers up their own version of craptacular bureaucracy, they also offer up an excellent array of activities.

North Campus is noted for its 19th century architecture as well as the Old Well and beautiful quads filled with old trees and open green spaces. North Campus is ideal for picnics and for those 12 month olds who like to run and play.

Duke University’s greatest contribution to the area is Duke Gardens. Beautiful and varied they offer up open spaces for playful children as well as ducks and geese ideal for taunting. By in large, we here at Burnstopia subscribe to the aphorism (ideal for all occasions) of “Duke SUCKS.” But our one (1) exception to that is Duke Gardens, a favorite at Burnstopia since 2003.


Burnstopia hosts an extensive and varied library which will be made available for the use and enjoyment of our honored guest. A somewhat less extensive library of DVD materials will also be made available for your enjoyment.


Not that any one visiting with us at Burnstopia is interested in this, but there are a wide range of historical attractions in the area. In short, stuff happened here.

As our guest you will enjoy unlimited time and attention from your hostess. There will be much talking, laughing (at unholy volumes) and in all likelihood tears will be shed at some point, because that’s just how we are. Sunday services are at 11:00am and there are many worthy women whom your hostess desires you to meet. The Boy will do his best not to poop in the bath tub. The Husband will very probably be hiding on campus most of the time. He finds the combination of our personalities a bit overwhelming. As he should.

If you have any questions, concerns or comments please don’t hesitate to contact us at the phone number and email address provided in your reservation. We look forward to your stay and hope that it will be the first of many such occasions.


The Management at Burnstopia Inns and Sweets


Whimsy said...

Well. NOT THAT IT WAS A COMPETITION ANYWAY, but I officially declare it a DRAW, because: dude, could I BE any more excited???? This was all kinds of awesome.

Dear Management,
I am most certainly excited and looking forward to my stay at your fine establishment. My associate (Miss Alice) and I will do our best to abide by all Rules and Regulations of Burnstopia, including the aforementioned Anti-Bathtub Pooping requirement, as well as the adage DUKE SUCKS.

We are thrilled about our upcoming reservation and look forward to our reception.

Yours Very Truly,

wandering nana said...

Dear Management,

Your place sounds exactly like the place our dear friend Whimsy needs to be. Please take care of her and Miss Alice. We will miss them and will be excited for their return, rested and with a smile on those cute faces.

Katrina said...

ah, so clever. also, makes me want to be a guest at Burnstopia.

angelalois said...

When I first read this, I thought Whimsy was going to BE at said establishment for seventeen (17) days, and I thought: only four (4) dinners? what a bum deal. Thank goodness I read it wrong, whew! They will feed my friend! Have fun kids!

stacie d said...

I WANT TO GO! Can I make a reservation? :)

Amy said...

I love it! Sounds like a place all mommies need to visit. Enjoy your trip Whimsy!