Monday, July 20, 2009

grade 11: enter THE PAIN

You will never know the depths of my love for you, I'm telling you now. I take bullets for you, Internets. I share secrets and deep-dark-embarrassing moments for you. I talk about my husband and cats and my scrumptious daughter for you. I even, and this is huge, I even buy ICE CREAM for you.

The siren song of the Haagen Daz Five Brown Sugar finally won me over.
And so I bought it.
And I ate it.
And it was good.

My review: it's like any specialty ice cream - best in small doses because a huge bowl of this stuff would just be all over TOO MUCH. But as it is, in smallish 1 scoop - 1 1/2 scoop increments, it's delish. Absolutely fantastic. Rich and molassas-y. It's like dishing yourself a spoon of fluffy brown sugar and mixing it with straight cold CREAM. A yum in my book.

Other things I do because I love you so much? I delve into my painful high school years and share nothing less than YEARBOOK NOTES. See? That's devotion. That's love.

When I wrote the first entry in this train wreck of a yearbook series, I had already filed Chip's response in my head - what I knew he was going to say to me once he read those first yearbook comments, and it was something along the lines of THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF GUYS THAT ARE SAYING STUFF LIKE WISH I'D GOTTEN TO KNOW YOU BETTER YOU'RE THE SWEETEST GIVE ME A CALL SOMETIME K.I.T!!!!! Which is pretty much what happened. But even better was this conversation that happened afterward:

Chip: Actually, it's totally a guy thing to do.
Whimsy: What is?
Chip: Getting up the courage to finally say the thing that they've wanted to say all year long.
Whimsy: In a YEARBOOK? You're telling me that these are actually a bunch of little pick-up lines, IN A YEARBOOK?
Chip: Yep. It's the end of the year. They're feeling brave. And randy.
Whimsy: What is the expected outcome of such bravery? Was I supposed to write something back? In their yearbook? I can see it now, Hey So-and-So--- I just read what you wrote in my yearbook. I've been totally thinking the same thing about you! All year long! Let's go make out.
Chip: I see your point. I didn't say we guys were smart about it. It's just what we did.

So I should warn any of you who are thinking of digging into those old high school treasured comments of YOU'RE THE BEST! SO GLAD WE HAD CHEMISTRY TOGETHER! YOU'RE SWEET! K.I.T! Beware of THE RANDY. It's out there, in some form or another, waiting to take you back to braces and scrunchies and who was that guy anyway?

Without any further delay, let's dive into JUNIOR YEAR: ENTER THE PAIN.

It's been great having you as a lab partner and a classmate in chemistry. I hope I see you next year and good luck in the future.
Your friend,

Whimsy: Again - I was NOT a good lab partner. Particularly in chemistry. But that David dude, he sure was COMPLIMENTARY. And also generic. How many notes did I write like this, thinking Um, I don't know what else to say so I'm gonna thank them for being in class with me.

Dear Whimsy (or Miss Crippled Hand J/K!),
It's finally over. Chemistry, that is! We'll be seniors next year and we can leave this cesspool of unhappiness. I had such a hard time in chemistry, I could cry. It's good we became friends because you can really make me laugh. I think we should be called THE GAP TWINS. I mean, we do live in The Gap, don't we? I"m just glad I know someone who likes that beautiful place as much as I do. I hope you have a very peachy summer and buy tons of clothes. Go swimming, too! I must tell you that the next time I see you driving, I'll get out of the way! See ya next year! Love ya lots!
Your friend,

Whimsy: And so begins the can of worms about my driving skills (or lack thereof). See, I broke my hand my junior year of high school. Which isn't the big news. The big news is how I did it... I sort of crashed my dad's Acura. Into a Winnebago (that's a very large MOTORHOME, folks). That was, um, sort of parked just three doors down from my house. The best part? Someone in my English class just happened to be walking down my street when it happened. And he saw the whole thing. AND THEN TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT IT. Also: what's up with the random comment about SWIMMING? I don't get it either.

Dear Whimsy,
Well it's over. You're a sweet woman but you don't know how to drive. Take care and God bless.

Whimsy: Um. The Randy pick-up / total put-down?!?! Whatever.

Hey Whimsy! How do you like my markers? Pretty cool, huh? Well, I don't want to say goodbye, but I may never see you again. I really didn't like french class. You, Edith, Ngoc, and Tiffany made it exciting and fun. I'll always remember talking about Ms. Carr and I don't have to get into that. Thanx for being there. I hope your senior year is as memorable as mine.
(unreadable signature)

Whimsy: Thanx for that note, unreadable dude.

Dear Whimsy---
Hi! You know what? I have nothing to write to you cuz I only talk to you every single day. Well, P.E. has been a hoot. Go to page 259 real quick... (happy face) He's such a weirdo, huh. This has been a fun year. Hopefully next year can outdo this one. Well, don't be a snooty senior like XXX. It's true. Don't listen to what XXX says. p.286 please... this is my signing off page. Bye--
Love ya,

Whimsy: This one is for you, Stacie. Yes we wrote in each other's yearbooks. And we said NOTHING AT ALL OF CONSEQUENCE. But it's still funny.

Dear Whimsy,
It sure was fun BS'ing our way through French. How much have you actually learned? How much? That's what I thought. Gosh, I wish she'd shut up! Sorry, I just had to put that in, but you know as well as I do that she talks TOO MUCH! She just did it again! I really don't know how to end this except with a cliche, so good luck on the final, have a great summer, and I'll see you next year!

Whimsy: I vaguely remember that this was the longest note or conversation that I'd ever had with this guy. EVER.

Chemistry... the study of matter or a completely useless class in which the only thing we learned (or really remember) was the symbol for water. The world may never know, but who cares - the darn class is already over. Enjoy life now! You are FREE! Join a crusade to rid the world of chemical equations and short old men with receding hairlines who talk 10x too slow without making any logical sense at all!!!! ...or go on vacation with your family.
Your amiga,

Whimsy: Would you be surprised to know that I learned ANYTHING in high school at all? By the sound of these notes, I hated every class and didn't learn anything. It's not true - for the sake of future generations: IT'S NOT TRUE. I DID LEARN STUFF IN HIGH SCHOOL. AND I REALLY LIKED SOME OF MY TEACHERS. I promise. But boy, we high schoolers were mean, weren't we?

Dear Whimsy:
It was my pleasure to meet such a sweet, cute, bright person. I am sorry if at times I was a little annoying. Thanks for bearing w/me. Hopefully next year I'll have you in a class (maybe three, like this year). It would be uplifting to see your cute, smiling face as I take a killer test. Always remember the video I showed you of me doing my "Dave Gahan". Have a cool summer.
P.S. Don't be sad and don't get mad, because the Zack Man loves you. (I write sloppy.) When I listen to The Sundays I'll always remember you. Thanks for bearing w/me when I used to talk to you about Kim. And thank you for letting me smell your luxurious hair. Remember to always let your hair down, oh you little teddy bear. Remember if you need me to do anything for you I'll always be here for you. Have a great summer and I hope you have fun at the beach or wherever, because I know I will.
The Zack

Whimsy: One might have been tempted to think that The Zack had mental problems. But he was just an excentric dude. And behold THE RANDY. Actually, this isn't THE RANDY because Zack was like this all the time. I was constantly telling him to SHUT IT because it got to be a little bit much. And that business about "Kim"? He was in love with her. She wasn't so much a fan, apparently. Don't you love how the P.S. is longer than the actual NOTE?


wandering nana said...

Soooo.... the last one..... where is Z now? I'm thinking in Prison. He sounds a little creepy.... or is it just me. Thanks for the warning about the new ice cream flavor (just kidding) I'm not a fan of brown sugar. Now there's a whole other post.'WHERE DO THEY COME UP WITH ALL THESE FLAVORS?" Just a thought. "}

M said...

I'm with Wandering I'm completely curious about these people. Zack sounds like he may have grown up to be a stalker...or an IT guy.

And the Randy? Hilarious. Also TRUE. I shall not elaborate HERE.

Pickles and Dimes said...

Ah, high school, the "cesspool of unhappiness." :)

I put together your package today, and I was sad I couldn't put in half the stuff I knew you liked (popsicles, ice cream, etc.). Hrmph.

I will send it out tomorrow, so be on the lookout!

KAY said...

AAAggghhh!! Like your yearbook posts, I wish I could articulate something better. Simultaneously, my brain is maniacally laughing and doubled over in pain.
I think I'll go find some ice cream before I read my yearbook.

Amy said...

These posts are fantastic! I'm going to have to go back and read mine now! cream! Now I know you really love us. :P

stacie d said...

Well I want to know who was on pages 259 & 286! And why was I such a trash talker in your yearbook!!? Wow...I called 2 people names in 1 short paragraph!

Remember when I posted my 8th grade yearbook entries? I think high school needs to be next.

I need to know what you (& your luxuious hair) wrote to me!

kately said...

First a confession: I received a free Starbucks pint of ice cream coupon and another one for $1 off. I purchased both pints at the same time and in two settings - count 'em -- 2 -- I devoured the ice cream. One pint one day, the other pint the next day. I think the label is incorrect when it says there are 4 servings in the pint. That's just plain wrong. Second: I LOVE your yearbook excerps (exerpts? exzerpz? oh bother! I can't spell). I'm definitely pulling mine out sometime soon to have a laugh or two. Thanks for sharing!

Eleanor Q. said...

Can I just tell you how much I'm loving these? Had I had two minutes free while I was away I would have totally gone through my old yearbooks to find such gems. These posts have been hilarious.