Friday, July 24, 2009

the world according to... Fergus



Notes from my daily routine


4:00am
Rose from bed for 4am house patrol. Retrieved payoff from local spider union (hidden under front doormat).

4:05am
Left note for local spider union that their dues will need to increase; the humans are growing suspicious about my lack of interest in the 8-legged creatures and are starting to demand that I take action.

4:20am
Opened closet doors to gently remind entire household of my presence (note for next closet-opening expedition: downstairs closet needs extra paw pull).

4:25am
Very successful early morning purging hairball vomit (cleans out the system and reminds humans of my love). Today's location: outside of Chip's closet, he's going to love that.

4:30am
Kicked Phoebe off bed.

4:31am
Early AM nap in Phoebe's sleeping place.

5:50am
Cleaned stripes.

6:00am
Jumped on Whimsy's feet to greet Whimsy and Chip with beautiful freshly maintained stripes.

6:05am
Demanded adoration. Used necessary force (i.e. extended kneading claws and used special vocalizations learned from daily vocal exercises - both very successful, will use these tactics again tomorrow).

6:27am
Panicked when Chip discovered early morning purging hairball vomit a full hour before plan... with his foot. Retreated under bed and pushed Phoebe into his view, telling her that Chip had a special treat for her. She continues to be the perfect scapegoat and easily took the blame.

6:31am
Sauntered out from under bed, reminding Chip with a small purrdle that I continue to be the Perfect Cat.

7:23am
Breakfast (crunchies, water, a few morsels of fur)

8:12am
Found area in sunny window in which to bask and share my glorious visage with the world.

8:17am
Mid-morning nap

10:02am
Mid-morning after nap poop - encouraged Phoebe to go right after me, telling her I'd left a special treat waiting for her inside the box.

10:48am
Deposited whiskers in couch cushion.

10:52am
Located Whimsy's credit card.

11:04am
Worked on shopping list for tomorrow's expedition to Target (list items so far: mouthwash, hair gel, catnip)

11:47am
Kicked Phoebe off bed in studio

11:50am
Early afternoon nap

1:01pm
1pm house patrol: all is well; successfully shielded a spider and her 14 children from Whimsy's sight.

1:43pm
Reopened all closet doors (why don't they thank me for this service?)

1:50pm
Perched inside linen closet and deposited ample fur on clean sheets.

2:00pm
Lunch (crunchies, water fresh from bathroom faucet).

2:40pm
Late afternoon nap.

4:35pm
Allowed Alice to view my striped tail and spotted belly. Reminded her there will be NO TOUCHING. She seems to understand the training. I am beginning to have some hope for the child.

5:10pm
Found Whimsy in kitchen to demand much-needed adoration.

5:59pm
Very satisfying pre-dinner poop.

6:28pm
Lounged gracefully on top of family room leather chair.

6:32pm
Practiced disdainful stare (really coming along now, but still needs work).

7:10pm
Once Alice is in bed, arranged self outside her bedroom for vocal exercises.

7:13pm
Narrowly avoided flying objects and fled scene quickly when Whimsy started brandishing large sticks in my direction while hissing (SSSSSSSSSTOP IT!). Note for future: must find way to get Phoebe blamed for vocal exercises. Research this.

8:02pm
Roused Phoebe to help with evening demand for treats. She was particularly difficult this evening - perhaps the cat box "surprise" was a bit too much. Must find way to both torture and goad her in the future without seeming guilty.

8:12pm
Demanded nightly treat. Very impressed with Phoebe's vigor, given her earlier reluctance to help.

8:14pm
Once administered, gobbled nightly treat with a helping of regular crunchies. Very successful. I was able to swallow every treat WHOLE without breaking a single one. Must use this particular gulping and slurping method again tomorrow night.

9:02pm
Followed Whimsy around house, actively offering help in her cleaning tasks by sitting on exactly the one thing she was working on / needed / wanted to dust / etc.

10:32pm
Deposited nightly treat in pre-determined vomit location for perfect regurgitated early morning surprise for Chip's feet (he'll thank me later). Artfully done tonight in a perfect circle - very proud.

11:00pm
11pm house patrol: all is well; removed Phoebe from nap spot on couch. Told her Whimsy wanted to see her upstairs, on the bed, up by her face.

11:07pm
Retired to foot of Whimsy's bed for evening nap, just in time to watch Chip kick Phoebe off of Whimsy's pillow.







4 comments:

M said...

AWESOME.

Though, I am still waiting for Phoebe and the Fat Clinic.

Still, we love FERGUS around here. I think he and Leike may be distantly related. Their disdainful attitudes must be genetic.

Pickles and Dimes said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA! Perfect.

Abby and Fergus are made for each other.

I love how Fergus blames Phoebe for everything and considers opening the closet doors a "service."

Sunny always barges into the bathroom as I'm showering, and this morning she rammed into the slightly ajar door with such booming force and opened it so wide I thought it was Jason (my husband, not the crazed horror movie killer).

Amanda said...

Love it.

My cats are just dumb lumps. They come in in the morning, eat. Sleep until dark. Go out. Perhaps their night time journals would be interesting... I have no idea. Or our house is just a hotel to them.

Amy said...

That crazy Fergus!