the world according to... Fergus

Notes from my daily routine


4:00am
Rose from bed for 4am house patrol. Retrieved payoff from local spider union (hidden under front doormat).

4:05am
Left note for local spider union that their dues will need to increase; the humans are growing suspicious about my lack of interest in the 8-legged creatures and are starting to demand that I take action.

4:20am
Opened closet doors to gently remind entire household of my presence (note for next closet-opening expedition: downstairs closet needs extra paw pull).

4:25am
Very successful early morning purging hairball vomit (cleans out the system and reminds humans of my love). Today's location: outside of Chip's closet, he's going to love that.

4:30am
Kicked Phoebe off bed.

4:31am
Early AM nap in Phoebe's sleeping place.

5:50am
Cleaned stripes.

6:00am
Jumped on Whimsy's feet to greet Whimsy and Chip with beautiful freshly maintained stripes.

6:05am
Demanded adoration. Used necessary force (i.e. extended kneading claws and used special vocalizations learned from daily vocal exercises - both very successful, will use these tactics again tomorrow).

6:27am
Panicked when Chip discovered early morning purging hairball vomit a full hour before plan... with his foot. Retreated under bed and pushed Phoebe into his view, telling her that Chip had a special treat for her. She continues to be the perfect scapegoat and easily took the blame.

6:31am
Sauntered out from under bed, reminding Chip with a small purrdle that I continue to be the Perfect Cat.

7:23am
Breakfast (crunchies, water, a few morsels of fur)

8:12am
Found area in sunny window in which to bask and share my glorious visage with the world.

8:17am
Mid-morning nap

10:02am
Mid-morning after nap poop - encouraged Phoebe to go right after me, telling her I'd left a special treat waiting for her inside the box.

10:48am
Deposited whiskers in couch cushion.

10:52am
Located Whimsy's credit card.

11:04am
Worked on shopping list for tomorrow's expedition to Target (list items so far: mouthwash, hair gel, catnip)

11:47am
Kicked Phoebe off bed in studio

11:50am
Early afternoon nap

1:01pm
1pm house patrol: all is well; successfully shielded a spider and her 14 children from Whimsy's sight.

1:43pm
Reopened all closet doors (why don't they thank me for this service?)

1:50pm
Perched inside linen closet and deposited ample fur on clean sheets.

2:00pm
Lunch (crunchies, water fresh from bathroom faucet).

2:40pm
Late afternoon nap.

4:35pm
Allowed Alice to view my striped tail and spotted belly. Reminded her there will be NO TOUCHING. She seems to understand the training. I am beginning to have some hope for the child.

5:10pm
Found Whimsy in kitchen to demand much-needed adoration.

5:59pm
Very satisfying pre-dinner poop.

6:28pm
Lounged gracefully on top of family room leather chair.

6:32pm
Practiced disdainful stare (really coming along now, but still needs work).

7:10pm
Once Alice is in bed, arranged self outside her bedroom for vocal exercises.

7:13pm
Narrowly avoided flying objects and fled scene quickly when Whimsy started brandishing large sticks in my direction while hissing (SSSSSSSSSTOP IT!). Note for future: must find way to get Phoebe blamed for vocal exercises. Research this.

8:02pm
Roused Phoebe to help with evening demand for treats. She was particularly difficult this evening - perhaps the cat box "surprise" was a bit too much. Must find way to both torture and goad her in the future without seeming guilty.

8:12pm
Demanded nightly treat. Very impressed with Phoebe's vigor, given her earlier reluctance to help.

8:14pm
Once administered, gobbled nightly treat with a helping of regular crunchies. Very successful. I was able to swallow every treat WHOLE without breaking a single one. Must use this particular gulping and slurping method again tomorrow night.

9:02pm
Followed Whimsy around house, actively offering help in her cleaning tasks by sitting on exactly the one thing she was working on / needed / wanted to dust / etc.

10:32pm
Deposited nightly treat in pre-determined vomit location for perfect regurgitated early morning surprise for Chip's feet (he'll thank me later). Artfully done tonight in a perfect circle - very proud.

11:00pm
11pm house patrol: all is well; removed Phoebe from nap spot on couch. Told her Whimsy wanted to see her upstairs, on the bed, up by her face.

11:07pm
Retired to foot of Whimsy's bed for evening nap, just in time to watch Chip kick Phoebe off of Whimsy's pillow.