Wednesday, July 29, 2009

the world according to... Phoebe

Let me start by staying that I am the heart and freaking SOUL of this house. You show me a cat who has more lovin' dedication to her humans, and I'll show you a cat with less of a life than I have. Let me tell you a little bit about my role as the Love Necessitator.

I don't mess around. I get the job done.

I make sure the food bowl is clean just the way Whimsy likes it. And those carbs can add up. Really, I'm overweight in the name of LOVE.

I spend hours bathing myself to reduce the excessive fur and place the tufts in small piles around the house. I look for new spots all the time. It's an excellent way to add a little flare to my humans' lives, you know? They have showers, I have a tongue. You think that's EASY? I express my love in all the small places, because it's the small things that count.

I'm ridiculously available. Like a butler. I wait at every corner for their command: Halls, Kitchen, Cat Box, Office, Stairs, etc., you get the picture.

I patrol the house, not Fergus.
Q: Who was the first to go downstairs to warn the humans of the blue goo that had erupted all over their floor?
A: ME.

Q: Who is always in the litter box when Chip comes home?
A: That's right, ME. It's the closest I can physically be to him when he opens the garage door. Sometimes he literally scares the crap out of me. And I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

Q: Who is the first one to warn off any squirrels or other cats through the window?
A: ME! You think scaredy-stripes has my kind of GUTS? My kind of serious fluvtastic girth? Clearly no.

I'm the first on the scene when there has been a food accident on the floor.

I wait for my humans in the window.

I lay on their pillow to keep them warm.

I sometimes mop the hard wood floors if I hang my fluv low enough.

When the kid, who has taken my place, pets me, I really take one for the team. Who else is going to take all that fur pulling? I just know that my stock is rising every time my humans see how kind I am to that interloper.

Every day, I make songs for my humans. I'll share my latest:

From the moment I wake up
Before I lick on my make-up
I meow a little prayer for you

I primp all my fluv now
I pick out the dreadlocks from my bum now
I meow a little prayer for you

Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever, we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me

I sit on the bed
I patiently wait to lay on your head
I have some Phoebe Hat just for you

Please answer my prayer!

Okay, so it's not finished yet, but you can see a piece of the hard work that goes unnoticed around here. Granted, what I've written is a parody of Dionne Warwick's work, but she is my musical hero... her, Aretha, and Michael Jackson. Need me some soul pop. Learn it, Live it, Love it! That's my motto. That, and Everybody Wang Chung Tonight.

There is a lot of love in this Phoebe-shaped cat. Feel free to stop by, I have business cards you can give to your friends.

It's a tough job, but I have to do it.


Shelly Overlook said...

Phoebe, you are SO beautiful!!!!

Pickles and Dimes said...

Love it! Phoebe is gorgeous!

artemisia said...

"scaredy-stripes" = AWESOME.

I am totally in love with Phoebe's nose. It is so, well, pretty. Hmmm.

Sara Hammond said...

Awesome. Had me laughing in the middle of the office.

M said...


You are a marvelous piece of brilliance, you know that right?

Have laughed myself stupid over this.

Thank you. I dearly needed to laugh myself stupid.