Tuesday, February 9, 2010

minionlympics I: round two

The lucky recipient of Chip's FAVORITE COMMENT OF THE DAY extra bonus points from yesterday's post is none other than: WANDERING NANA. Congratulations, and again, I've got to tell you that we are adhering very strictly to the Whimsy-reading-comments-to-Chip-so-that-he-does-not-know-who-wrote-them thing. Which last night lead to Whimsy-getting-creative-mid-comment-reading-to-make-sure-that-she-wasn't-including-info-that-would-tip-Chip-off-to-the-identity-of-the-commenter. Phew, it was a little exhausting. I should tell you that aren't going to know which minion-suggested item I'm actually selecting to include in the GMBOA until next Monday. Just doing my part to make sure there is still some mystery left in this world. But you guys do not disappoint and made some awesome suggestions! Fierce competitors, all of you!

We'll get going on today's challenge; but first, a story: we've established that I've had my fair share of terrible romantic situations. The time a boyfriend gave me a crockpot for my birthday comes to mind. I cried over that one, especially since we'd been dating for several months at that point. And he gave me... a crockpot? There was the time when I was sent a letter by somebody who had a crush on me and they actually put a "check this box if you like me too". There was the time when I was literally ON A DATE and placing my order for dinner when the dude (my "DATE") corrected me that we weren't on a date. That he had just suggested we "hang out". There was the time when I had been going out with a guy for a while and his best description of me was that I was "neat". And crockpot dude? When it was all over, the best thing he could offer about my best qualities were that I was really organized and I got along well with his mom.

So. I had my fair share of lousy Valentines. By the time I was united with the Original Minions, we were fairly all sworn off of the lousy Valentines. And we weren't going to accept anyone who didn't recognize our true Creaminess.

Out of that came a Valentine's Day that we dubbed BLACK FRIDAY. (Naturally, the holiday fell on a Friday.) We got together at my apartment. We listened to music. We told all our stories of Horrible Valentine's Woe. And we ate molton chocolate cakes, individual ones. They were amazing.

My gift to you is this recipe for the molton chocolate cake. But Ree from Pioneer Woman does a tutorial. So go here to see it. The cakes we ate that night of Black Friday were eerily similar to these...

And you, dear Creamatheletes, for your next challenge, will tell me your BEST WORST story of romance. A terrible date? The worst Valentine's Day you've ever had? Whatcha got?


M said...

I am a bit mortified all over again just thinking about this.

I had a family friend whose husband worked for the FAA. They ended up stationed in Germany while he did something with national security and airplanes, I'm not entirely sure of the specifics. But she ended up inviting me to come over to visit. So I did.

Germany in September is beautiful. And I was young, well-educated and single. My friend could not tolerate the latter and she had two eligible men lined up for me while I was there. The first was in Hamburg so he wasn't so much of a factor (Hamburg is far away from Frankfurt which is where we were). The other one I met at church. He was short, well, shorter than me. And he was very reserved. But I'm a nice girl, I thought to myself, "Ok. He's reserved. Eventually, he'll loosen up and talk."

He invited me to a traditional German wedding of some friends of his. The only catch was that it was in a town of some distance from Frankfurt. But I thought, "Hey! I get to see a wedding and ride on the autobahn! Totally fine!"

At the time I was chronically optimistic.

He picked me up and we stopped to get gas and then we got on the road. The countryside was gorgeous and you could see these charming little villages in the distance. I know because I looked out the window the whole time because the guy DID.NOT.TALK. Not ONE word.

We drove for two hours in silence! I had exhausted my supply of small talk and he had apparently exhausted his supply of monosyllabic responses. And I say we drove for 2 hours, not because we arrived but because we got stuck. In traffic. On the AUTOBAHN. When you get stopped in traffic on the autobahn it's because there's an accident. When there's an accident on the autobahn it's NOT a fender bender.

So we sat in traffic for 2 MORE HOURS. I kept pointing out the charming little village to the right, and hey! Why don't we just pull off and go explore?

NO. We must keep going. They will clear the accident. We will GO.

Um. Ok.

After sitting there for 2 hours he grudgingly admitted that we weren't going to make the wedding. And I delicately suggested that maybe we should just go home.

He finally managed to turn around and head back to Frankfurt. By this time it was night. And I had long since ceased to care about the outcome of this date. So...shall we say...I was being a little more honest and a little less kind in the paltry conversation that we made.

At one point it came to light that I was a vegetarian and he looked at me and scowled and said, "You are a cow." And I said, "Um. No. and Thanks?" And he said, "Yes. You are a cow. You only eat vegetables. Cows only eat vegetables. You are a cow."

And that's where I burst into FLAMES.

Anyway. SIX hours later, he deposited me back with my friends. She had stayed up to ask about the date and I shook my head and said only that it defied description. Which it does. This doesn't quite capture how AWFUL it was. With the silence and traffic and he was just SO rude and mean and SHORT.

Amanda said...

Okay. You can't tell my husband that I told you this because he gets a little touchy that I WILL.NOT.LET.IT.GO. It's only been 10 years now.

SO, he was in the military and we were planning our big wedding and things happened (that were not a pregnancy) that resulted in it being easier for us to get hitched before our big wedding date. We found a nice spot on the coast and had a justice of the peace and a few friends and my parents.

His military buddies thought that it would be a great idea to take him out the night before. They got him so drunk that he couldn't answer the phone when I called in the morning. I had to tell him when to say "I do" at the ceremony. He was nauseated during dinner. He PASSED OUT when we got back to our place. So there I sat in a pretty white silk nighty all by myself. I ate the raspberry covered cheesecake and drank the champagne and it was all just a pitiful mess.

We went on to have a gorgeous wonderful big beautiful wedding and dh continues to this day (because I still bring it up) to say "that was not our REAL wedding".

Shhhh. Pretend you never heard this.

Anonymous said...

I cannot begin to compete with M. That is more horrific than anything I can come up with. I bow before her awesomeness.

Rose said...

My first date was the day after my 16th birthday. This guy "Spencer" and I had told each other that we loved each other a few months earlier, and he wanted to be the one to take me out on my first date! Romantic, isn't it?

We were on a group date, when Spencer picked me up, and I was silent. I didn't know what to say or do! So freakin' nervous, it wasn't funny. Spencer was nice about it though, and told me to just relax and be myself.

We went to a movie. Star Wars Episode 1. Good movie, and it gave me an excuse not to talk to my date (whom I had no problem telling that I loved him a few months earlier)!

After the movie, the group came back to my house for birthday cake and ice cream. I was a little more relaxed after the movie and was actually engaging in conversation with the group!

So, back at my house, my mom cut up the cake and served up the ice cream, and I was handing out plates to everyone! I handed the very first plate to... "Jason". Nope, not Spencer! I didn't give the first plate to Spencer because I didn't want him to know that I had a HUGE crush on him!

They ate and went home. Spencer never asked me on another date again.

Rose said...

OTR - NFCC (Off The Record - Not For Chips' Consideration)

I'm glad that Wandering Nana won with her comment! I thought it was AWESOME! :) Kudos to Wandering Nana!

Alicia @ bethsix said...

I too have to bow before M. That is just horrific.

I am lucky not to really have any terrible stories. I got married when I was 22, so I didn't have a lot of dating time, really.

I did date a guy that I found out a couple dates in was a SKINHEAD. And I did have a guy give me a bouquet of broccoli in high school. But that's because he said I was sure to have many bouquets of flowers over my lifetime, and he wanted me to remember his. But that was actually pretty sweet.

Oh! Oh! I do have a good one, actually. I dated a guy seriously for three years right before I dated my husband. He was sort of a "bad boy" type (three years older, full sleeves and piercings), had had a really terrible childhood, didn't really have family to speak of... I WAS GOING TO SAVE HIM. Like a kitten.

When I went away to college, he was renting a room from this woman who was INSANE and threw him out for something I don't remember (but really was something minor). Anyway, I had been away at school for a couple months at that point, and he didn't have a place to live. My mom HATED him, but we'd been together quite a while by then, and she was making an effort to TRY to accept that he was going to be in my life for the foreseeable future. She said he could come live with her.

Things were fine for a couple months. My mom was actually starting to warm up to him, he cleaned her kitchen, blah blah blah. And then, one day, he just stopped coming home. She could tell he'd been there while she was at work, but he was staying out all night every night.

To make a really long story less long, a woman called my mom maybe 10 days into this routine saying that, based on evidence I don't remember, she thought her FOURTEEN YEAR OLD daughter had run away with him (he would've been 22 at that point).

Fast forward 24 hours or so. There was a literal STAKEOUT at the house where I grew up by police in an unmarked car waiting for him. I don't remember exactly what happened - no dramatic arrest or anything - except that he found out and dropped the girl home.

He NARROWLY avoided her parents pressing charges for STATUTORY RAPE. My mom even found "evidence" suggesting that he'd slept with the girl.

My boyfriend of several years.

After that, he moved 2,000 miles away to live with his dad. I am horribly, terribly, horrifically embarrassed to say I STAYED WITH HIM for some time after that. He was a total con artist and convinced me of some ridiculous story about how the girl said her stepfather was abusing her, he was just trying to protect her, blah blah blah. Or something...

His problems (and I) followed him to the east coast, where we broke up a short time later.


I can't believe I just wrote this on the Interwebz. SO embarrassing. But I was really young, and I learned great lessons, so I'll call it a WIN?!

Oh my. Ick.

Alicia @ bethsix said...

P.S. Apparently Blogger thinks I really WAS trying to use HTML when I wrote < and this is the part I'm whispering > before the sentence about my mom finding "evidence" and < /whisper > after. Blogger is dumb. And I really wanted to whisper that.

S said...

I'm rooting for you, Alicia @ bethsix because I remember when some of this happened and I understand your stupidity of staying with such a loser. I was doing the same thing around that time. You just have to chalk it up to a good experience so that you don't hate yourself for it.

artemisia said...

I love reading these!

KAY said...

Well I have a laundry list of things -- the first 2 are OTR - NFCC (Off The Record - Not For Chips' Consideration):

1. I bow before M and Alicia. Based on their experiences, all my dating has been a trip through candyland without the molasses swamp.

2. Both of Wandering Nana's suggestions yesterday were GREAT. I preferred the miniature product idea.

3. Well, this isn't so much of a nightmare date story. It's a "Life is giving you a Big Clue about what your life will be like MOMENT.

Boyfriend in sophomore year of college has dinner duty for his house. I go grocery shopping with him. We get to the checkout counter and are behind a friend from bible study. (Friend was also neighbor in the dorms and I had wished he would dump gf back home and fall madly in love with me.)

Cashier rings up order. Boyfriend turns to me and says, "I don't have my wallet. Do you have money?" Uh, no. I was only on this outing to avoid studying. BIG CLUE #1 -- this is not the most prepared guy and let's not even talk about money with this one.

Kind friend picking up his grocery bags runs his (dad's) credit card through while we're still arguing about who's the bigger idiot.
BIG CLUE #2 -- friend is a man of quiet action and is prepared for all circumstances.

(Hmm, I don't think either of us ever paid him back.)

Fast forward a year or so, Boyfriend is now EX-Boyfriend. Friend is now Future Husband and he always has cash ready. Did I mention he's an Eagle Scout?

Bradley the Beth said...

Go, Alicia, go! Put those extra chromosomes to work!

Midnight Rambler said...

No, no, no. I spent all morning composing my horrid sort-of date story. Was it so gross that you blocked it, or did I just hit the wrong button and somehow lose it all?

It was fantastic. There were ships at sea, barf in baseball hats, overflowing toilets, men in uniform, and me. And now it's lost. {Sob} Though probably better for my ego that people don't know the whole horrid truth.

Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

The only thing I can think of is that I broke up with my boyfriend right before prom. I ended up taking a sophomore guy I worked with and thought was cute. He pretty much ignored me all night and when we went to an after party, he ditched me to drink with some guys so I left. Lame.

Oh! And I drove (cuz I was all cool with my own car). I picked him up and he told me to ignore his dad who liked to wink at all the girls. His dad seriously didn't stop winking and had a pervy smile on his face the whole time I was there. Ewww.

tearese said...

A guy in college asked me to go to FHE with him. I was 21, he was 32ish. We met the week before at FHE when both of us had to stop on the hike because we were out of shape and had brought no water or supplies. He was a heavy guy, I'd just not eaten anything but candy!
Anyway, at the FHE he invited me to, I tried to be nice and ask him questions...learning that he drove a truck at the pig farm, lived with his sister, and had no intentions of going to college.
Thanks but no thanks.
But that whole week he kept calling me and telling me things we were going to do for the whole summer-watch movies together, go rafting, go to expensive restaurants..I didn't know how to tell him I wasn't interested, I just tried to hint at it. He was acting like I was already his girlfriend!
Then he called and set up a date that weekend, where we were to go to an expensive restaurant that was super fancy. I tried to insinuate that I thought that was a little much for a real first date, but he didn't seem to get it. The day comes. He never shows up. The next week in Institute, he's sitting with this other girl and holding her hand, and he won't meet my eyes.
Yeah. I was happy he wasn't after me anymore, but I still would have liked some explanation!
And I think the first story in the comments should definitely win.

Kristy said...


Heidi said...

In middle school while walking the halls someone tapped my shoulder. When I turned around this Mean,Mean,MEAN boy said to me,"oops, I thought it was a cute one." I was humiliated. Sometimes it still affects me but luckily I have a husband that tells me how beautiful and pretty I am almost every day. He makes me feel good about myself and makes it possible to forget those hurtful words. I love my husband!

wandering nana said...

I guess I'm too old to remember any but I loved everyone elses. Mine isn't Valentines but it definitely taught me a lesson. I was a Junior in High School. I was on the committee for the Junior Prom. I was dating a guy I really liked. My friends and his kept telling me he was going to ask me to prom. I had a dress, jewelry, shoes and my mom made me the most beautiful long silk coat to wear with my formal. As Prom got closer I kept wondering when he was going to ask. A nice guy in one of my classes had asked me on several dates but I was always "Busy". He asked me to Junior Prom. I told him I already had a date. Well, the week of Prom came and still no invitation. One of his good friends came to me one day (I think 4 days before) and told me that he was going to ask me, but his grandmother was really sick and not expected to live. She actually passed away the next day. My friends all felt so bad that they decided I should "be at the dance". They borrowed my coat and earrings. I decorated the day of Prom and sat home stuffing myself that night! The other boy asked me out and I said yes... and actually had a fun time. I still feel bad that I didn't get to go to my Junior Prom (okay, I'm over it now).

Patrick said...

I am totally cheering for Alicia!

wandering nana said...

Oh... I can't believe I won (I'm dancing around and laughing and giggling (quite a sight to see an old woman doing this!))

Jayme said...

I wish I could put pictures in the comments so I could post one of me in a cheer leading uniform from high school and cheer on ALICIA with a visual.

That is all. Go Alicia! Go Broccoli Bouquet! I bet two of those would make good pompoms...

Sibley Saga .... said...

All I have to contribute is a story of a horrible valentines day and my first and last blind date ever.

My first "college" boyfriend took me to dinner on Valentines Day and we went out the big Dance on campus afterwards. After that we went back to my apartment, cuddled and kissed on the couch a little, and he then proceeded to tell me that he "DIDN'T THINK WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER ANYMORE!"

Seriously. I got dumped on Valentine's Day. Even after the whole effort and expense of what could have been a nice date.

Then, my other story takes place several years later. I was helping a friend/aquaintance get ready for a big sorority dance when she asked if I had a date. Her boyfriend was coming in from out of town with his best friend who didn't have a date. I thought, sure, what the heck.

Now remember, we're going to a dance right? Where people usually get up and physically move around, shake their thang. My date apparently had a traumatic brain injury when he was a teenager and did not have full use of his left side. A little warning would have been nice!!! And a wiser person would have told me about his situation so we could plan something else to do instead!!!

I came to realize this friend/aquaintence did not know me very well because this poor guy was so shy he literally said 4 sentences to me all night. There's only so much small talk in the whole world.


Alicia @ bethsix said...

Dude. That one from Heidi is pretty awesomely bad. Oh my gosh. Horror.

the MuLLinS said...

Okay, I am a friend of M's. I was SO not going to write this, I have been to your blog like 6 times today and decided each time not to participate. But I think this is awesome and I'd like to participate as a non-registrant, por favor.

So before I started dating my husband I had probably only been on a handful of dates. Sometimes I wonder if I should have dated more but then I remember those few dates and realize there's a REASON I didn't date much.

First there was my post-concussive date. I don't think it was my first, but it was near my first. In 11th grade I had a terrible concussion after falling off a zip-line. I was a mess. Falling asleep in the middle of Michaels and everything. It was near Christmas holidays and while I was away from school, my band class decided to do a Secret Santa activity where you drew someone's name and had to get them a Christmas gift. I drew my arch nemesis' name. Well, someone else drew his name for me. He was the nerd of all nerds. The geek of all geeks. His forehead was HUGE and I couldn't stand him in the least. Since I was probably busy throwing fruit at my brothers, my mom bought him a couple movie tickets and handed it in for me. Thanks Mom... except that now he thought he had to ask ME to the movies!!! And I had JUST come out of a post-concussion daze! He asked me to see Lord of the Rings. I couldn't say no. Let's just say I almost died when he came out wiping his eyes and admitting, "I only cried 3 times that time". He had already seen it. Twice.

I found out recently that my senior prom date was gay.

(To be continued...)

the MuLLinS said...

And the best of all best-worst dates? My freshman year of college. I gave a talk at church and everybody loved it. So much so, that like 5 minutes after church was over, the phone rang in the foyer and someone tapped me on the shoulder to tell me it was for... me? Weird.


"Uh, hi. Krista? Hi. My name is T. Um, I liked your talk. I was. Um. I wondered if, ehhh, want to... go on a walk? With me? Walk with me?"

Again, I can't say no. I barely even know who this guy is. I ask a friend and she just tells me, "He's a super nice guy and he's got a GREAT job... driving an armored car." Nice!

He came back to the church. (He went home REALLY quick after church so he could call me. At the church. Yah. This date's going places.) He parked his car and we started walking. In silence. I peeked up at him to check out his killer underbite every once in a while. I tried SO. HARD. to make conversation, but it was like he wanted to kill me with his awkward silence. He didn't really know WHERE he wanted to walk, so we just wandered aimlessly. I secretly tried to make the smallest little loop we could so we ended up BACK at the church as quickly as possible. I was wearing tall shoes and my feet hurt. I mean, I just cannot TELL you how much I was hating this quote-unquote DATE.

So we're back at the church, and to top it all off, no-one else was there anymore to give me a ride home so of course HE has to drive me home. After the most excruciating 5 minutes OF MY LIFE, we arrived at the gated entry to my apartments. It was not easy talking to him in the first place, so I struggled to try and explain to him that if you could wait for someone else to go through, you could follow close behind and the gates would re-open for you. He struggled to understand.
And oh look! A car's going through! Hurry!
He hesitates.
I say go!
"Are you sure?"
He looks around...
"Okay nevermi..."
I can't believe what is happening. The gates were closing. Closing. They're not re-opening!! CLOSING!
I close my eyes and brace myself.
He broke THROUGH the closing gates! I open my eyes just in time to see BOTH of his rear-view mirrors go FLYING off.
I am laughing, crying, screaming all in one. Let's just say I jumped OUT of the car, I said THANKS and I don't think I ever talked to him again!

It's a good thing that talk in church ALSO caught another guy's eye, and this time we liked each other so much I didn't mind that he never paid for a date. That he never took me to dinner. That he asked me to marry him in his livingroom with a tiny ring because he didn't know you were supposed to PROPOSE with the nice ring and before he asked my dad. We're in love, happily ever after.

The end.

I hope I win. Even though I'm not officially competing :)

the MuLLinS said...

And also, I vote for M.

Now I'm done.

jwan said...

though not the most horrible relationship telling (just so you can get your points...) go KAY!!

Heidi said...

So does Alicta@bethstix's comment on my story count as support for me!!!!?!

Alicia I love your phrase "awesomely bad!"

wandering nana said...

I thought Rose's story was great. She definitely deserves something.

Rose said...

Thanks Wandering Nana! :) To be honest, it was probably more of a worst date for HIM than it was for me. I still feel bad about it!

Michelle said...

As I am typing, cheering on Wandering Nana, my boys are beating each other up. Does this make me a bad mom?

katie said...

Come on Wandering Nana.. I am seriously earning favorite daughter.

midwife said...

I cheer for wandering Nana - but I must ask - where is she wandering to?? Or from?? YOU go girl!!!

Meggan said...

Wandering Nana rocks and should win!

mbr photography said...

Wandering Nana should win.